Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Side swiped

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

I trusted that you valued my friendship enough. I was mistaken. I honestly do not understand why it came to this.

For me, it was never about choosing sides. I would have never asked you to choose. I didn't need you to. I knew how happy it all made you and I was happy for you, whether you wanted to see that or not.

I hope that, with this decision, you find what you're searching for, and that it alleviates whatever strain it was putting on you. It makes me sad that I am no longer a part of helping you find what it was that you were searching for.

I hope when your anger and obvious feelings of betrayal subside, you see that I did try. And even though I know you refuse to see it now, I hope that one day you can see that there were two sides to that story and that I wasn't necessarily the bad guy. 

So yes, if the tables were turned, I am positive that I would have been able to take a step back and realize that maybe everything wasn't how I was seeing it. I would have given my "best friend" more value in what she was trying to tell me.

I would have, at the very least, been able to do that for you.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Hold on to your hats and glasses...

Each day may just feel like a small step, but remember that all these "small" steps add up to a lifetime at some point. Take steps that you believe in.

I stole this off of the Eat, Pray, Love Book status on Facebook today. It spoke to me. I mean, let's be real, anything associated with that book speaks to me. I realize that Elizabeth Gilbert herself (the author of Eat Pray Love) probably isn't the person who updated that status, but I'd like to imagine that she typed out that status for me to see. In fact, I'm not really sure why she didn't just tag me in it.

When I look at my life, I look at it as a group of large events. It's difficult to imagine that those large events are made up of small events that happened over the course of months, days, hours... sometimes even minutes. I forget about those small steps. I forget that at one point, in one moment, I felt like my life was over because a relationship ended. More than once, really. I mean, the real reason I'm back blogging is because I had the urge to reread those small moments of getting through a breakup. Rereading all of it makes me realize how far I've come, who I used to be, and even how emotionally involved I was in all of it. I haven't felt that kind of emotion for someone in over four years.

Take steps you believe in. Those five words are the words that really struck me from today's post.

Maybe this isn't evident, but I tend to over-think things. I know, shocker. But see, I think about the lifetime of the situation (as stated in EG's post to me that she didn't tag me in). I think about the hows and the whys and the whatifs and my brain is swimming in happenings that haven't happened but could happen, and if they happen I want to make sure I'm prepared so that I won't get hurt or make a mistake or end up in a situation that I'm not prepared for because then what...??

Yeah. That was just a peek into my brain at any given moment. In fact, it's a peek into my brain in a current situation that I'm in.

You'd think that after 33+ years (give or take a few years for not really being cognizant of my own thought processes), I'd realize that I can't predict the future and that worrying about it or trying to plan for it is ridiculous and almost impossible. But, no. I still over-think. I wouldn't be who I am if I stopped doing that. (I wonder what kinds of things I would think about if the over-thinking was just removed from my brain. I wonder if a doctor can shut off that part of my brain. I'm getting a visual. But I digress..)

Anyway, I'm over-thinking in this current situation (and I know I shouldn't), but it's not driving me away from it yet (which is what usually happens). The last five words of today's post make it manageable for me to "try" and live in the moment. One moment at a time. I just need to take steps I believe in. Break it down into the hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute, second-by-second context. Make decisions when they're necessary, try not to when they're not. I think I can (try to) do that. I think I will.

This isn't rocket science, I get it.

But welcome to my brain. You might want to think about protective gear before going any further.