Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Dear Jason,

Wow. You're hot. Seriously. The smile, the abs... wow. I just have to get that out of the way.

Now for more pressing issues... what the hell is your deal? I have been so proud of your choices for each elimination throughout the season. The crazy dental assistant, the booby lady with no self confidence, even the aggressive teacher. You let them all go and I wanted to give you a high five every time. You've been smart about this process and I respect that.

Until last week.

What in the hell were you thinking getting rid of Jillian???? You're crazy. Best friends? Were you not in the hot tub scene we all drooled over??? You crazy. She's cute, fun, independent, knows who the hell she is and what she stands for. And she's just a best friend??? She's too "adventurous?" I call bullshit. Something's off there, and I call bullshit on your ass.

I hope that Melissa, your obvious next choice, will make a good wife. Or publicity stunt for the next few weeks. Whatever you want to call it. Please don't totally piss me off and choose Molly. It's not that I dislike Molly. It's just like I like Melissa and Jillian more.

Good luck next week. You better make the right choice. But, if they don't work out, I'll totally give you my number.

Lotsa love,

Monday, February 23, 2009

My dear, sweet students...

Hi. It's me. Your teacher. The one you've had since September. The one most of you hoped you were going to get when you walked up to the lists on the first day of school. The one that you wanted because you thought I was "cool" and "young." The one you thought was going to be more of your friend than an actual adult that expected things out of you. You poor, mistaken child.

Yeah, hi. Remember me? Remember the first month of school when I laid down the law and most of you tried to test me to see if I'd really follow through with what I said? Remember when I actually did? Over and over and over?

So this is the thing. Some of you have lost your minds recently. Some of you have made it your mission to drive me crazy each and every day, lately. And that's fine. Because I will win. I win every time. You maybe haven't realized that. Of course you haven't realized that.

See, it's just past the halfway mark of the school year. We still have 3 and 1/2 months to go with each other. I've already told you that I will not give in. So you must. And you must make the decision to give in soon. Now, if at all possible. Because I might do something that might cause me to be on the 5:00 news. I'll be the teacher, who some kid videotapes with his phone, duct taping a student's mouth closed. It was a joke in the first place, we all knew that. But the cops will bust into my apartment and drag me away to the slammer, because you wouldn't stop. And I don't want that. YOU don't want that. People will look at you and point and stare. It's not the kind of fame you want, believe me.

So this is what I'm asking:
Please, simmer down. Please. For the love of all that is holy... simmer down. Stop yelling across the room because someone farted (on purpose) in class. Stop kicking puddles of water on the girls in class. Stop passing notes when you're supposed to be silent reading. Stop. Stop. Stop.

I love you guys. I really do. You crack me up every single day. But I might hurt myself if I have to deal with your crazy shenanigans for the next 3 and 1/2 months. Really, I might.

Thanks for listening. Don't forget to do your homework tonight.

Miss Teacher

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Dear Blog,

Yeah, I realize that you and I have been distant lately. And I apologize. But when I really got into you, I was purging feelings about my issues and then healing from those issues. After that was all worked out, I feel like you and I had nothing in common.

But I've been thinking... I think you and I were good together. However, I'm not the same person I was. In fact, I feel like the old me was what tore us apart. I want to try this again. I want you and I to try us again. What do you think? I'm not going to be the same person I was, but I think it'll actually help our relationship.

I hope you can forgive me for the month-long hiatus. I promise I feel renewed and I will be back in your life more than I have been. I owe it to you. I owe it to me. You make me feel like a writer and I want that back in my life.

Think about it.

Love always,