Don't make me judge you

Enclosed is a post to inform and, well, beg.

Some of you know I'm training to run this marathon in October. The countdown has been posted on the side of this blog for a couple of months but I just never mentioned it. Don't get too excited, I'm not doing the full marathon, I'm doing half.

(F*** all of you who just said, "Oh, just a half marathon... whatever.")

A half marathon is 13.1 miles. And quite frankly, before 3 months ago, I refused to run 1 mile. Because it sucked. And I hated it. Literally. But now... now I am woman. I just ran 8 miles last Saturday. So there. I left the training session with blisters on my feet and a sore hip, but I did it gosh darn it.

Why am I so crazy, you ask? Well, this started out as one of those ex empowerment things. And it still sorta is. But since I started training in May, this has become serious for me. I have only missed 1 Saturday practice since May (which, might I add start at 7:00am...6:30am recently). And the one practice I missed was because I was in Texas (yee haw!) and I tried to do my miles there but it was like running with a plastic bag over my head. My training has become so ridiculously therapeutic for me. I'm conquering my hatred of running and kicking the shit out of those miles. I've lost poundage (heyo!) and my legs are stunningly toned. Ok, maybe not stunningly, but still. I've realized that once I get past mile 2, running is like an out of body experience. It's like, my body is moving, but I'm not really there.

Anyway, in order for me to do this, I knew I had to be held accountable. I knew it had to be with an organization that had scheduled practices that I would feel obligated to go to. So I signed up with Team in Training to tackle this bitch. But what's double cool about it, Team in Training represents the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. So not only am I running to tackle my own demons, I'm raising money for a fantastic cause. I mean, seriously, how many of you know someone who's been afflicted with cancer? Yeah, that's what I thought.

And what's triple cool about it (ok, maybe this isn't so cool), I found out right before I started my training that a former student of mine is being treated for Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. She's going to be a freshman in high school in September. She has been told it is not fatal, but the treatments are brutal. She's already lost all of her hair from chemo and is constantly in the hospital. Her attitude is amazingly upbeat and I admire her strength in all of this. So I feel like this fundraising is all serving its purpose for me.


Now this is where I always feel awkward. There's a link on the right that says "Donate Now." I'm not going to beg (I know I said I was going to beg earlier, but I won't) and I won't even put any pressure on you. But.... if you'd like to donate to my marathon cause, just move your mouse over on top of that link (right below the countdown widget) and click. The website will tell you what to do from there. And you can check out how hot I look when I run (and when my hair was 7 inches longer).

There you have it. Take this information in.... or don't. I won't judge you either way. Or maybe I will... who knows.

Got my hairs did

Oh jeebus... I just cut 7 inches off my hair. And I love it.

Dear ex,

What would I do if I found out that my ex was reading this blog? Would I feel guilty? Would I change what I write? Would I change how I write about him?

No.

I don't write this stuff to make him look like a bad person, because he isn't. I fell in love with the guy, he's not a douchebag. These are real f-ing emotions that I've gone through and continue to go through in this process. And part of the process for me is dissecting who I thought I was and who I thought he was. And the conclusion that I've come to is that although I would have married him in a heartbeat if he had asked me back then, he and I are not supposed to be together now. He's a great guy with a lot of wonderful qualities (that I obviously don't point out here because this is about the purging of my emotions and pain and anger), but he wasn't for me. And I realize that now. But that doesn't mean that I'm not angry and hurt. Because I am.

Today, I considered the fact that he might be reading this. He knew that I blogged and I once gave him the address because he asked to read it. But I guess I never realized that he cared enough to read it. I thought, with the overriding worthlessness I felt in that relationship, he didn't really listen to me about it. And you know, now that I think about it, maybe that's why he doesn't find out how I am...because he already knows.

So I guess if he were reading this right now, I would want him to know that I would never take back the 2 years that we shared together. I loved him and I know that he loved me. He just had difficulties showing it and letting go completely of whatever guard he had up. But just like with any relationship, it wasn't perfect. He wasn't perfect and neither was I. I had to go to therapy to figure that out. The pain and grief that I've gone through (and will continue to go through) in the last 3 months has been hard. Really hard. Partly because I've realized things about myself that I don't like and partly because I allowed things in the relationship that I shouldn't have. And partly because I feel like he just dropped out of my life without even caring to look back. And that hurts because I think about him daily. Hourly, really. And I miss him in my life. But I'm moving on day-by-day. Because I have to. That doesn't mean I'll ever forget about him, because I fell in love with him. But one day, just like the ex before him, I'll be able to think about him and not feel hurt and angry. My stomach won't turn and I won't feel emptiness for him not being in my life. I won't wake up emotionally disturbed about the horrible dreams I've had about him. But that won't be for awhile. I know that. And I apologize for casting him in such a bad light in entries. But those feelings were real and I don't take any of them back. This is my blog and I can say what I want. It's part of my therapy. It's his choice to come here and read it.

I guess overall I would want him to know that my take on this aftermath is all what I assume. I really have no idea how he dealt with it. I don't know if he cried or mourned... or just moved on. The ex I know would have thought about it for a day or two and then moved on with his life. I saw him do the very same thing with other aspects and losses in his life. So why would getting over me have been any different? And the fact that I always felt (and he knows this) that he could have cared less if I was in or out of his life is where the anger and hurt come from. And not hearing from him at all adds to my grief and pain. So maybe this assuming is just making an ass out of myself, but it's all I have. And for that I have no regrets about these posts.

I'd rather be on top

Today I managed to purge a few more ex things. Pictures, namely. A couple of weeks ago, I was able to get rid of some random pictures from my computer, with a friend present. Today, I let go of a few more. Yet I find that I am still not able to let go of what seem to be the most important ones for me. Is it necessary to get rid of all of them? I asked one of my best friends this once and she said, "Absolutely. You don't need those things floating around, especially after you meet and become serious about someone new." But really? Do I have to?

Granted, it may look like holding onto these mementos is like not letting go of him. And maybe a small portion of it is. But is that bad? We shared a lot of great memories together. And although they are memories of him, they are my memories. And what's wrong with keeping those? The pictures I have left are what I remember as being our best times together on record. Sure, the anger and hurt are still there, but I can't bear the thought of erasing him completely from my mind. I wouldn't want him to do that to me.

When I think about him now, I feel hurt. The anger has subsided and now I feel hurt. Hurt that he hasn't tried to contact me at all. Ok, sure, I told him that I couldn't talk to him anymore back in the day and he was good enough to respect that. And I do appreciate that. But part of me wonders how someone could know how much he devastated me (left me that day crumbled and completely broken) yet not care to find out how I'm doing now, virtually 3 months later (wow, has it really been THREE months?). Maybe he doesn't want to know. Maybe he is afraid to know. Maybe he's afraid how he'll feel. Maybe he just doesn't care. Of course, the last reason is all I can think about. Which brings me back to not feeling worth it to him to care enough. Bah! Why do I do that to myself?

My therapist (god, I love that man) spit that realization out at me in our last session. And then he followed it up with a, "Have you ever thought maybe he wasn't good enough for you?" Wha? What do you mean wasn't good enough for me? I don't think I understand. Those words don't register in my head. Isn't that sick? Sure, some of my friends have mentioned that but I laughed it off because that's what they're supposed to say.

But then I think about it. I spent over eight years coming to that very same realization with the other ex. Could it be true? Might the guy I spent over 2 years feeling so beneath actually be beneath me? Don't get me wrong, I'm not a hierarchical type of person (unless the person is just an f-ing idiot), but really.... Was I too good for him? He had all these big plans of being such a successful guy with a decent house in the suburbs. He was going to take care of us and we were going to travel and be happy. We were going to live comfortably. But did he ever get close to those plans in the 2 years I knew him? No. His plans kept changing because of the countless unforeseen circumstances that kept falling into his lap. I, on the other hand, said I would do something and found ways to do it. He was selfish. I was far from it. He was judgmental. I am too (isn't everyone?), but not to the extent of thinking I was better than others. (Wait, isn't that what I'm doing now?) I guess the difference is that he and I were on different pages in our lives. And the problem was that he had a way of making others (including me) feel like he was better than them and I just felt like I was further along than him.

God, this is making my head hurt. It's too much. I'm not ready to make that realization, if it is a true one (or if it even matters). I feel like this is all happening in stages. So in simplest form, I just want this stage to be over. And then I want to just skip the rest of the stages that hurt and go straight to the "I'm totally ok with this" stage. Any advice on how to get there?

Soundtrack to my life

Okay, seriously... I somehow stumbled upon this blog a few months ago and I think I may have a total girl-crush on her. I don't even know what she looks like but her writing is so my sense of humor. And she loves New Kids On The Block. Need I say more?

Anyway, before I get all weird and stalky on her, I better explain why I'm talking about her. She recently did a post about the soundtrack to her life. Music reminds me of everything so I thought it would be fun to do the same thing. This has taken me some time and I didn't include links to the song like she did. I didn't have that much patience.

Here goes......

Opening credits: Wishing Heart, Lisa Loeb

Waking up: Manic Monday, The Bangles (ok, I promise I didn't totally bite this off of Okay Seriously's blog, I really used to play this song and act it out in my room. Literally. Like I would get under the covers and push play and act out the beginning while singing. Kinda like my own video. I'm a little embarrassed that I just admitted that.)

Average day: Remember to Breathe, Dashboard Confessional

First date: Hands Down, Dashboard Confessional

Falling in Love: Looking at Her Face, Tyrone Wells.... or Pistol, Dustin Kensrue

Love Scene: The Luckiest, Ben Folds... This Years Love, David Gray

Fight Scene: First thing that came to mind was Kung Fu Fighting, Carl Douglas. Though now that I listen to it, it's a tad slow. But hey, I'm going with it anyway. Oh wait, Wanna Be Startin' Somethin', Michael Jackson

Breaking up: The Scientist, Coldplay... oooh or Slow Dancing In a Burning Room, John Mayer... shit..... Brilliant Dance, Dashboard Confessional (it's too hard to narrow it down)

Getting Back Together: Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic, Sting & The Police

Secret Love: Say Goodbye, Dave Matthews Band

Life’s Okay: I'm Movin On, Rascal Flatts

Mental Breakdown: This Bitter Pill, Dashboard Confessional

Driving: Into the Groove, Madonna (road trip!).... Only, Nine Inch Nails.... Middle of Nowhere, Hot Hot Heat

Learning A Lesson: Ex-Factor, Lauryn Hill

Deep Thought: Long Nights, Eddie Vedder

Flashback: Motorcycle Drive By, Third Eye Blind

Partying: Nuthin But a "G" Thang, Dr. Dre.... so high school

Happy Dance: Walking on Sunshine, Katrina & the Waves....Footloose, Kenny Loggins in close second

Regretting: Warning Sign, Coldplay.... Let You Down, Dave Matthews Band

Long Night Alone: Screaming Infidelities, Dashboard Confessional

Death Scene: Dust In the Wind, Kansas... I Hope You Dance, Lee Ann Womack

Closing Credits: Stare At the Sun, Thrice (the acoustic version).... Fly, Tyrone Wells

That was fun.... You should try it.

Adjustment for the body....

I'm taking this new me thing to its fullest extent. Last Thursday (a week ago), my roommate and I went to the local Farmers' Market in our city. It's an awesome scene: live music, local food vendors, local people... just a great environment. Anyway, the first time I went (the previous week), I saw a tent that said "Free Pressure Point Massage" and I said, "Ooooh, that sounds great, but what's the catch?" and totally ignored it. This last week, my roommate walked over to it and I followed. I immediately asked, "What's the catch?" when I walked over. They said, "Nothing. There is no catch." So I sat down, still knowing full well that I was going to try and get talked into buying something.

I sat down and they asked me to fill out something that asked me if I had any back problems (oh hell yeah) and asked what my symptoms are. The lady came over and proceeded to give me an approximate 2-3 minute massage. It was ok. I, personally, like a lot of pressure and although she hit some great spots, it wasn't deep enough. Meh, whatev, it's free. Then this guy comes over and proceeds to look over my shoulder at the answers to my back problems questionnaire. I had heard him speaking to another person and found out he's a chiropractor. Awesome. Good for him for trying to draw in new patients. Gotta respect that. I'll give this guy a listen.

He feels my back up and right away he was like, "Hmm." I kinda laughed and said, "You should feel the right side of my spine." Then he starts his schpeel. He says he can help me. He says the pain that I've been feeling/have felt can be cured. Really? Because I feel like I've been living with it for so long and nothing is working. So he tells me to set up an appointment that includes an evaluation, free half hour massage, and reporting of results. Sure sure, what have I got to lose, ya know? I do the damn thing and I had him booked for the following Tuesday.

On our original consultation, the guy sits with me for about 45 minutes explaining to me what he's all about, how chiropractic works under his care, and evaluates my situation. I was totally into the whole thing. I felt like I had been in the dark about my back for ever and suddenly this guy was going to try and help me. And I didn't feel like he was being shady. I felt like what he stood for was something that I could totally see as being true. I scheduled my reporting of results appointment and massage for today.

Today was cool. The massage was mediocre, but relaxing. The reporting of results were interesting. And I got an adjustment. Funny thing, I felt better after the adjustment. Weird. He tells me that this healing was going to be like a 2 year commitment. He puts me on a plan for becoming healthy and I totally signed up. It's (of course) not covered my insurance so I have to pay out-of-pocket. But I feel like it's worth it. What he said TOTALLY made sense and I'm into healing myself right now.

And then he asks me about my bracelet. I've recently started wearing a bracelet (from Cookie Lee, btw) that has the words giving. honesty. love. peace. dream. inspire. believe. joy. on it. I'm trying to surround myself with inspiration lately and I thought it was perfect when I bought it. Anyway, he tells me he likes it and (weirdly) asks me if there was a story behind it. I kinda laughed to myself and was like, "Yeah, 2 months ago, I got out of a 2 year relationship and am going through a self discovery and I felt that this bracelet encompassed everything that I want in my life." I actually started to tear up. He told me how great he thought it was and proceeded to tell me about his friend whom he admires that has always been very self aware. (He was totally being honest and real and I felt it. It was kind of a cool moment.) At that instant, I knew I had made the right decision about him and his care.

So now I have this added mentality for the new me. I'm all about healing my mind, body, and spirit. And it feels great. I'm totally changing my life lately. I feel like I'm finally starting to live my life and I'm so excited. What the hell have I been doing for the past 29 years?

Mommy.... wow! I'm. A. Grown. Up. Now.

OMG. I don't even know who I am anymore. Today, after the last straw with my living situation, I went out and investigated some one bedroom apartments around town. I think I had finally had it and I snapped. Anyway, after looking at about 5, I found one that I just could not pass up. So I did what any normal 29-year old that's discovering herself would do. I put a deposit down on it. Why the hell not?

My lease in the present living situation ends August 31 and my original plan, when I was with the ex, was to get a one bedroom. My hope, at that time, was to move in with him. Obviously that didn't happen and I was stuck living in my present place because, honestly, I was afraid of being alone after everything. I knew I didn't want to do another 1-year lease here, I was hoping to do month-to-month or even a 6-month, but getting my own place wasn't in my cards anymore. But recently (and with the last straw event), I've considered it again. So I did it.

So here's my schedule for the next 2 months:

• Spanish class from now until Wednesday, August 6 (oh, P.S., I decided to take a Spanish class so as to fill my summer's free time with something worthwhile). Did I mention it's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday from 8am to 12:25 pm.? Yeeeaahhh....
• Prepare my classroom for my next class the week of August 11-15. Oh and pack my stuff from this place.
• Celebrate my 30th with some of the ladies on August 16-17.
• My real 30th, August 18
• Rome to Athens, August 19- Friday, August 29.
• Start my new school year Tuesday, September 2.
• Move into my very own one bedroom apartment Sunday, September 7.

Remember when I was worried about being alone and sad all summer? What happened to that? Oh wait, I finally grabbed my life by the horns and took control. God it feels great.

Rome to Athens, here I come!!!

Wanna know a secret? Ok, not so much a secret as it is a big, giant, humongous deal for me. I FINALLY BOOKED MY TRIP!!!!! Oh.....gosh. I'm nervous. But everyone that I have talked to about this has told me that this is something that has to be done. And I totally agree. I just needed the push because had it been left up to me, I wouldn't have gone through with it. So it's scheduled for August 19-29, which means I leave a day after my 30th birthday. Monumental? Perhaps. I've kinda given up on analyzing the signs that are all around this bad boy and everything else that's been happening in my life in the last 2 months or so.

So I'll definitely keep everyone posted on the events that lead up to this trip. I'm trying to figure out how to keep in touch with everyone throughout the trip as well. I told friends and family members that I'd email when I could, but I've considered quickie blogging throughout on a new blog. The thing is, I'm not sure how much internet access I'll get and how much time I'll have to blog. I guess I'll just play it by ear. It would be a nice little electronic journal that I could keep for myself though. Hmm... well, we'll see.

Ok here's my itinerary if you're interested.

I'm such a big talker...

Well, it's come down to this. The friend that I asked to go with me on my European extravaganza just told me today that she can't go. And you know what that means. I'm going by myself. Yeah, I know, I've talked a big game about this. But now that it's real, I'm scared shitless. Literally. Ok, not literally, but I'm freakin scared. And the thing is, I was pretty positive that she wouldn't be able to go from the beginning, but now that it's for sure for sure, I'm second guessing my decision.

So now I will attempt to list the pros and cons of doing this by myself...

Pros:

• I have to

Cons:

• I can't not

Shit. Somebody say something to make me feel like I'm not going to cry everyday until this trip happens. Because I'm doing it. The fear is real, but I'm doing it. I have to.