How do you spell anger? S-E-L-F D-E-P-R-I-C-A-T-I-O-N

Anger. It's a crappy thing when you think about the reasons behind it. I'm so angry at him lately. So angry for him leaving. So angry for it being a month and him not even trying to get in touch with me. Angry because he's going to eventually enjoy having sex with someone else. Because he's going to enjoy being around someone else. He's going to love someone else. He's going to be happy without me. He probably already is happy without me. And doesn't even think about me. Or miss me. And really, why in the hell do I care? I shouldn't. I am absolutely positive that he and I breaking up was for the best. I realize that the way I felt in that relationship wasn't right. I have people that know me telling me now that I seem so happy and free. And i do. But why am I so angry at him? Why do I wake up every morning angry with him because I had some stupid dream about how he pissed me off? Why am I having dreams about him? Why does he piss me off so much?

I brought this up to my therapist yesterday and he, of course, asked me why I thought I felt that way. If I didn't want him to call, why am I angry that he's not calling? Because I didn't mean enough for him to try. Shit. And then my therapist said, "You realize that you're putting yourself down every time you get angry. You are angry because you don't think you're worth him calling." Double shit. I started crying super hard when he pointed this out to me because, guess what.... it's the truth.

Crap. Why do I put myself down so much? Why am I so negative about who I am? This is so frustrating. I don't dispute feeling any of what my therapist points out and it frustrates the hell out of me. I hate that I've become Negative Nancy. I want to change it. But it's so deeply ingrained in my subconscious that I don't even realize when it's happening. So if I don't know it's happening, how do I stop it? F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-I-N-G.

If you can imagine it, it's real

Is it interesting that 4 weeks after I feel like my world is going to end from a break-up with someone that I thought I'd be with for the rest of my life, someone else comes back into my life after 12 years and makes me stand back and think? Think about what I really want from my partner in life. Think about what I deserve from a partner in life. Think about my seemingly unrealistic dreams of hopeless romanticism being a possibility. Think about how the universe throws things at me (good and bad) for a reason.

Wow. That's all I can say. Wow.

Wiping the fog off of the mirror

Shit. I'm that girl. I've discovered today in therapy that I'm that girl. You know who I'm talking about. The girl that loses herself in the guy when she's in a relationship. The girl who has body issues and feels worthless in a relationship. The girl who should speak up, and does, but once she gets rejected for feeling a certain way, she backs down and starts questioning herself. Seriously. You know how frustrating that is to me? For me to hold a mirror in front of myself and see myself as being someone I've always thought I wasn't? I mean, I'm that girl that's educated and smart and independent and funny and strong. I'm not the girl who backs down in a relationship. I'm better than that. But I've become that girl. For whatever reason... I've become that girl. And I don't want to be that girl.

The good news is, I see it. I see it so clearly now. The bad news is I don't know how to change it. And I want to change it. I wish someone would tell me how to change it.

Rainbows and equal rights

Today I spent 7 hours in the sun, in an environment that I'm not used to being in. I spent the day at Gay Pride in Long Beach. I was asked to go by one of my friends and I thought, sure, why the hell not? I figure I have to experience something like that once in my life.

How was it, you ask? It was .... interesting. I consider myself a pretty Liberal person. I'm not knowledgeable in politics at all but I do know that not allowing a group of people the freedom and liberty to be married is completely unjust. Who in the hell is it harming for a couple to be married? Why are people so against something that has nothing to do with their immediate lives? Really, tell me how two women or two men being married affects anyone? And whatever with "the Bible tells us it's wrong" stuff. Or "it goes against everything God says a marriage should be" stuff. Shouldn't a marriage be based on two people loving each other enough to want to spend the rest of their lives together, for better and worse? Shouldn't we instead, restrict some straight couples from getting married? (Or from having kids, for that matter?) Seriously people. It's about equal rights. We're all human beings. No one is better than another.

But I digress.... as I stated earlier, it was interesting. I can't say I was comfortable and I can't say I was uncomfortable. I'm straight. And that was abnormal today. I was in an environment where, if I thought I guy was cute, I didn't even have the option to hit on him. I mean, that's not what I do, I swear, but it was just a different environment. I was truly in the minority today and I felt it. But seeing same sex couples doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. It's weird, because I'm not used to seeing it, but it's not uncomfortable. It makes me sad in a sense because they can't do that outside of the bubble that we were in, for fear of how others might react. And again I ask, who the hell is it hurting if two men or two women are walking down the street holding hands? I just can't imagine having to hide something like my feelings for someone else because of a stranger's reaction.

I'm glad I got to experience it. I'm glad that I was invited and was looked at as someone who's open-minded enough to take part in something like that. The parade was awesome. I could feel the pride all day. It's just sad it can only be expressed in one city and on one day without judgment.

I'll take the number one with a side of fries

I've noticed lately that there are 3 different moods I can be in regarding all of this.

The first is totally empowered. This is when I feel like I can completely do this. I can move on with my life and find myself through all of this shit.

The second is totally a mess. This is when every breath is surrounding me with thoughts of him and us. This is when I literally am incapacitated and feel like there's no way in hell I'm ever going to get over this.

The third is on the verge. This is the nervous feeling that I may lose it any second and I'm just trying to hold it together so that I don't. But it's there.

Right now I'm in mood number three and I hate it. I really only like mood number 1. Number 2 has happened less and less frequently lately, but it's still happened. I want it to stop

A weekend out on the town

I just spent my second weekend actually getting out on the town (shout-out to my roommate). Last night was SOOO difficult. I held it together but I was on high alert the whole night. I felt like he was going to be in my part of town. Worse yet, I thought I'd see him with another girl. Why? Because that's how my mind works. So we went to see Bob Saget at the Improv. (I swear that man is on coke or speed.) And I was sad all night. It was my first real night out without him. And all I could see were couples everywhere. Couples holding hands here, couples hugging there. Which, I don't know what made me feel worse... the fact that I'm not part of one anymore or that we were never like that.

This is the thing... I'm starting to see things now about the relationship that I didn't really like, but accepted anyway. And it's kind of breaking my heart even more.

Tonight we went out to dinner for one of my best friend's husband's birthday. And it was fun. I even noticed myself being checked out. Blatently. Which was flattering, especially because it didn't seem to happen much from other guys when I was in the relationship. Or maybe I just never noticed it. Whatever the case may be, it happened and it made me feel good. I also saw his brother's girlfriend out. And we talked about everything and his brother was actually there too, but outside. And he wanted me to come and talk to him, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I texted him and apologized for not being able to talk to him and he just kind of blew me off...which kinda hurt my feelings. But I'm glad I didn't go out, because it would have been a set-back for me.

So now I'm home and I'm teetering on feeling ok and feeling kind of sad. I feel different. I don't know how to explain it. I went shopping today and I just felt different. I was buying clothes for me and not wondering if he'd like it. I went out and I felt confident about the way that I looked and I was noticed and it felt good. I just feel different. Last weekend was so incredibly hard and this week had its moments, but it was ok. Not good, not bad...just ok. It's just so odd to be out and be single. And in no way am I out trying to pick up on guys at bars, because I'm not there yet. Actually, I'm not sure I'll ever be back there. That was what I did in my early 20s, it's not something I see myself doing now. I don't know... it's just weird being back here again.

That last paragraph jumped all around. But I feel weird tonight. Maybe it's kind of a guilty feeling. Maybe it's a sad feeling. Maybe it's even the feeling of discovering a new me. Who knows. But we'll see how this progresses.

Maybe the window is starting to open??

I think I may be in love with my therapist. Wait, let me clarify. I'm not in love love with him, I just love him. He's great. When meeting with him yesterday (after the not-so-great-weekend), he allowed me to cry and be viciously angry (apparently I'm at the "anger" stage of this process now - good to know it's moving forward), and then he called me out on a shitload of stuff.

I was seriously SO FREAKIN empowered when I left him yesterday. I started to see past him (the boyfriend that isn't anymore - still can't bring myself to call him the real term) making me feel this way, and began to see how I was doing this to myself. I know, surprise surprise. These deep feelings of anger and rejection are a result of my own need to be made happy by others (namely, the boyfriend that isn't anymore). Ok, fine, but how do I deal with it? And how do I stop the anger towards him? I mean, I can still be angry at his selfishness... because, quite frankly, it's one of the largest emotions I have running through me right now.... but I have to focus more on how I deal with it.

Right now, I'm trying to focus on what makes me happy. He (the therapist whom I love) asked me yesterday, "When are you most happy?" It was like a loaded question and I knew it. So, of course, I said, "I'm not really sure how you want me to answer that. Like in this present moment of my life? During the day? What do you mean?" And, being the ultimate therapist that he is, responded, "You tell me. What makes you happy?" And I proceeded to talk about being happy when someone else made me feel happy. Duh. It's like I walked right into it, knowing it was a loaded question, but answering like a spineless lost chick anyway.

So today, when I was blindsided by a text from him (the boyfriend who isn't anymore), I first fell apart. And then I picked myself and tried to figure out why I let him do this to me. (Just in case you're wondering, the text was telling me that he had sent me my refund check for our trip to Europe - that he's still going on (fucker) and then hoping that I was doing well. Riiiight.) And as I was driving home, I had an epiphany that the reason I feel so shitty is because I cannot get my happiness from him anymore. I must get my happiness from (drumroll please) .... me. Imagine that. But seriously, how do I do that? First of all, being happy right now for anything longer than like 3 minutes is far-fetched. It's like I curse myself. I'll be like, "Wow, I sure am happy right... wait, we broke up." And then it's gone. (Seriously, this is how demented I am.) Second, thinking deeply about what it exactly is that makes me feel happy that is outside of someone else, is like nonexistant in my head right now. I started to make a list in my head. And I came up with this.... dancing. And music that I can really feel (whether it be lyrics or beat or whatever). And doing volunteer work. Well, actually, I don't know if that makes me happy or not, being that I've never really done it. But I got a wild hair up my ass and went to a Habitat for Humanity volunteer orientation today. What the hell, ya know?

So I don't know. I feel like I'm trying to swim in this very large ocean and I get a little momentum for a smidge and then I can't do it anymore and I float. I don't sink, I float. Sometimes I slip under the water for a bit longer than I want, but I don't sink. I will never sink. I know that for sure. But I don't want to just float. And I don't want to slip under water at all. I want to swim. And swim. And swim some more. Until I finally reach the shore. Shit, maybe someone will pick me up along the way. No, they can't. I have to swim on my own. I have to swim and not stop swimming until I reach the shore.

Wow, I just impressed the hell out of myself with that metaphor. I should let my kids read it. Maybe then they will understand fully what a freakin metaphor is. Probably not though.

This is how my mind is working lately. See what has happened to me?

Day 6: Weekend 1

I'm torn between it being a good day and a bad day. Let's just say it's been both. I woke up, decided to apply to community college so that I can take a class in June, went to the gym and did some sweaty cardio, and then took a yoga class. Boy is yoga hard. But it was good.

And then I went to my brother's house for a family thing and I couldn't handle being there. I was alone. I was without him. At a family function. Bleckgh. I just got more and more sad so I went to the bathroom and lost it. I calmed myself down just enough to bow out gracefully, grabbed my stuff, and said goodbye to everyone. And then my brother's father-in-law says, "Have fun in Europe!" Yeah.... that was it. My mom and sister-in-law chased me out to the car as I was sobbing. They convinced me to come back in and I talked it out for the next half hour in an upstairs bedroom. And then my niece and I ran around like crazy people. And I was calm again.

But this sucks. Seriously. Can I not be such a freakin' roller coaster of a wreck? I'm high, I'm low, I'm strong, I'm weak. I can't handle not having control. When does this get easier?

Day 5: Weekend 1

Today was another good day....until right now. My busy schedule came to an end and I had to come home. To an empty house. And it's Friday night. The weekend is going to be most difficult for me because that was the time that we actually got to spend together. I always looked forward to the weekend because we got to go on dates (when we could), we would spend nights together...it was just our "couple" time. And here I am. The weekend. My heart is heavy.

On another note, I got a forwarded email from a friend today that was wonderful. I need to share it. Although I am not old and graying as she describes, there is still something to be said about the message this is trying to send. Especially to me. Especially right now.

Old age, I decided, is a gift

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have 
always wanted to be. Oh, not my body!  I sometimes despair over my 
body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am 
taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks 
like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long. 
  
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life,
my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.
As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, 
and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. 
    
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or 
for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks 
so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to 
be extravagant. 
              
I have seen too many dear friends leave this 
world too soon; before they  understood the great freedom that comes with 
aging. 
         
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 
4 AM and sleep until noon? 
          
I will dance with  myself to 
those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to 
weep over a lost love .. I will. 
            
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is 
stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with 
abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set ..
They, too, will get old. 
          
I know I am sometimes forgetful.  But there again, some of 
life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the 
important things. 
                
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How 
can your heart not break when you lose a loved  one, or when a child 
suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets  hit by a car?  
But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and 
compassion.  A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never 
know the joy of being imperfect. 
            
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have 
my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever 
etched into deep grooves on my  face.  So many have never laughed, 
and so many have died before their hair could turn silver 
 
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about 
what other  people think.  I don't question myself anymore.  
I've even earned the right to be wrong. 
          
So, to answer your question, I  like 
being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I 
am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will 
not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about 
what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)

Day 4

Today was a lot easier. I've noticed that when I talk about it now, I don't want to talk about him or what was or what might be with us. Because I'm done. I'm just trying to focus on me and how I am going to get through this.

I finally got in to see my awesome new therapist today. Seriously, I love him. He's so great. He told me that I have to go through this hurt and pain to make sure I learn from this. And he wants me to focus on myself during this process so that I can come out of this someone who is ok with myself. Which, interestingly enough, is my ultimate goal for therapy anyway. He gave me ways to deal with the really painful moments.

The hard part is that I have to go through this. I have to feel the pain and I have to cry and be sad and miserable. I wish I didn't. But this will only make me a stronger person. And like my friend said tonight, "All of this crap you're going through with all of these guys that didn't work out will only make you that much more ready and focused on what you want when you finally do get to the one you're supposed to be with." Couldn't have said it better myself. Well, I couldn't have said it at all at this point. So thanks friend... thanks.

Another day....