Day 3

Holy cow. Today was a rough one. I've managed to get by but not without feeling like total and complete crap. I tried the talking to myself all day...didn't work so much today. Thank goodness for my job. Those kids make me laugh so much. They drive me nuts, but they crack me up. Some of the quick-witted things they say are hilarious and so clever.

Anyway, a friend of mine has been kind enough to send me fantastic quotes each day (ok, it's only been 2 days, but still). I thought her initial text was kind of weird, but then I realized she was trying to give me words of advice. I told her this morning it's helping to replace the "good morning" texts I used to get from him. Because like one of my really good friends told me, "The hardest part is making new habits." Oh yeah. Totally right.

It's weird to me that some minutes are bearable and some are outright horrific. I'm having difficulty eating. I start to make myself feel sick and I literally have to force food down my throat. But it's not a lot of food. Lunch is about the only meal that I can do. It's the only meal I don't do alone. But it seems like the second I go into a daze, it's all over.

I did a cycle class tonight at the gym. It's the one that totally rocked my world about 3 weeks ago. The instructor is awesome and the music is even better. It took a lot for me to make myself go. But I did. I don't feel much better, but I still did it. I'm trying as best as I can to go about my daily business. I have to force myself to, but I am.

I'm scared about the weekend. That's when we always hung out. And I don't have work to keep my mind off of things for 8 hours a day. My friend told me to stay at her house this weekend but I feel like I'm intruding. I mean, she's got a husband and a life and I don't want to intrude on that. She says she wouldn't ask if she thought I'd be intruding, but I don't know.

I finally got a hold of my therapist. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon. Thank goodness. It's going to be a messy appointment, but at least I'll be getting professional help. I just want to get past this. And maybe he can help me with the horrible moments.

Anyway, that's really all I have to report today. Another day...

Day 2

Sigh.... last night sucked. He ended up calling to "see how I was doing" and I kinda got into the issue again. And then I got angry. And then I started to say things out of anger. And then it turned kinda ugly on my part. And then he realized it. So he nicely told me that he could see I was just getting more and more upset so he was going to let me go (off the phone) and he needed me to get some sleep and take care of myself (for the night). And then I basically hung up on him.

So I immediately called one of my 4 girls to cry and calm myself down. And she told me (again) that I needed to stop talking to him because I wasn't doing myself any favors. So I grabbed myself by my girly goods and texted him that I couldn't talk to him anymore. And boy that was another one to put on my "really f-ing hard things to do" list. It hurt. It was hard. It wasn't something that I wanted to do but I knew it was something that I needed to do. And after the texting conversation ended (I was still on the phone with my friend, thank goodness), I calmed myself down (ok, she calmed me down) and I went to bed. But now I feel like it was the best things I could have done.

The conversation had basically proved to me that I needed to move on. He's seriously not budging. I mean, in one sense I totally and completely appreciate the honesty. But on the other hand, it breaks my heart that he's not budging. That I don't mean enough to him to suck up his pride and let go of the selfishness. So that was when I knew talking to him wasn't something that would have been healthy for me. And quite frankly, he needs to see how wonderfully independent his life is without me. He needs to miss me and evaluate if him not having me is something that he can live with. And maybe he can. But at least I'm moving on. I can't hang onto the hope of it happening any longer.

So I finally fell asleep (and actually slept the whole night) and woke up feeling quite strong. I've realized that talking to myself helps. Call me crazy... but hearing myself say that this is going to be a good day or I can get through this or I WILL get through this really helps. And taking it one moment, one day at a time helps. Don't get me wrong, I have moments of pure weakness where I just want to crumble into a ball on the floor and cry. But I somehow manage to get myself out of it and I'm back on Strong Street again.

For example, in the middle of a low moment today, an old parent of mine told me that a former student of mine was just diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. I lost it. Literally. And the recess bell had just rung for me to go back to class. The poor parent. I had to explain to her that it wasn't her, it was what I was going through and that thrown on top of it was just too much. She felt so bad and I felt so bad and... it was just bad. So I ended up going back to class and explained to my kids that a former student had cancer and then I threw in a movie. They were great about it. And then at lunch, I apologized to the parent. Poor thing.

I'm proud of myself for getting through another day and remaining strong (mostly). I love my friends and my family for supporting me through this. Seeing how many people have called or texted or surrounded themselves around me in this moment is amazing. It makes me realize that people like me and that I am a good person. I am so grateful for all of them. I thank the universe for them.

Another day, another moment... (I liked this yesterday and thought I'd stick with it as my closing.)

Day 1

I need to vent about a few great things that people said to me today....

1. How can someone so young make that decision so early on in their life? He doesn't know how many things will change for him that he didn't plan in the next 10 years. (Duh... this is what I've been trying to get him to see in the last few weeks.)

2. He's been such a planner all of his life. But the plans that fail and the stubbornness that goes along with it have only affected him, thereby not being that big of a deal. Now his planned-ness is affecting someone else and he has to man up and realize that he's being an idiot and he lost something good. (Good one. Didn't think about it from that perspective. Go team!)

3. He's being selfish about this. He is only thinking about himself and his wants for the future. If he's in this relationship, he needs to love me enough to be able think about my needs and (possible) wants. It's not like you're asking for kids now or even giving him a timeline. You're willing to wait, so he needs to compromise a bit if he loves you enough. (Yeah, I know. My mom said something like this yesterday. But hearing it again sets in further in stone.)

4. You know you've made the right decision. Please don't doubt that. (I don't.) If he can't see past his stubbornness, then you don't want to be with someone like that. (I know, but how do I convince my heart of that?)

5. See Liebelo's comment from yesterday. I don't even know this girl and she made me cry when I read it (thanks Liebelo, it meant a lot).

So as far as how I'm doing today.... well, the day didn't start out well. I had a serious panic attack before school started. But I've noticed that once someone starts to tell me that the decision I made was a good one, I calm down. Because I know that. I know that I made the right decision as far as not wanting to decide now about having kids, and to let him go if he wasn't going to budge. I just need to get my appetite back. Though I like that I'm losing inches, it's not healthy.

And I love my friends. Seriously. All of them. They've all been more than supportive about being there for me. They've offered an ear and a place to hang out if I need it. I can't believe the outpouring of support that I've gotten from them. It makes me feel great. Another day, another moment.....

It's over

Well it happened. And it happened sooner that I thought it would. We broke up today. And I'm horribly devastated. I'm teetering between a mixture of shock, sadness, and loneliness. I want nothing more than him to be without me and realize that he can't live without me. But I don't know if that will happen. When I tried to just be friends with him in the beginning of our realtionship, he wouldn't let it happen. He fought to be with me. He actually shocked the heck out of me. And that's how I fell for him. But now... I don't know.

In talking with friends and family about it today, most are shocked. Some of my friends are wondering what the hell he was thinking. They wonder why he thinks that making such a definite decision about something that could change in the next 5-10 years is foolish and stubborn. And to let me go on top of all of it is just ridiculous. And I agree. My mom said something that hit me today... he doesn't love me enough to put his selfishness aside and become open to what I need in the future (possibly a kid, possibly not...it's just the option I'm looking for). He's willing to remain selfish and lose me. And that rings true in my heart as well. I am a person that can fall in love and do whatever it takes to be with that person (within boundaries, of course...no murdering or suffering through beatings, etc.). If I love someone, I will fight tooth and nail to make them happy. And maybe it's hypocritical of me to not want to change my decision (but I didn't really make a decision) to what he wants and only want him to budge, I don't know. But I have a hard time internalizing how he could be so stubborn about something when there's such a huge issue at stake.

So the next few whatevers are going to blow. It started to sink in tonight and I became immobilized. Thinking of all the things that I won't get to share with him, realizing that I never get to have him hold me in his arms or kiss me or hear him tell me he loves me. No more laughs with him or workouts with him. No more vacations and memories to share. It hurts deeply. My Europe trip will be canceled (though he says he'll still go alone) and my 30th birthday will be celebrated without him. It makes me so sad. I look ahead into the future and wonder how the hell I am ever going to get over this and I have no answers. I'm literally going to have to take this day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute. God this hurts.....

I hate being a grown up

I'm at a crossroad in my relationship with the boyfriend. We've been together for a little over 2 years and things have gotten rough lately. Maybe all couples go through this? I don't know. But we're at a point where breaking up might be the only option. We both love each other a great deal, but the issue/s that we have may not be something that we can overcome or compromise on.

He has told me that he's 99.9% sure that he doesn't want kids. And though I do not want them presently in my life, I'm not sure if I ever will or not. So my decision is to not be forced into making a decision about something that might or might not happen 10 years from now. I don't know where I'll be at that time (and neither will he). Sure, I have no aspirations to have children in the immediate future (or as far into my future that I can see for now), but I need to at least have the option if I change my mind one day. And really, I may change it, I may not....I don't know. But I can't close the door on either side right now.

Therein lies the problem. I've recently presented him with this revelation/decision that I made, thereby leaving the ball in his court. So, being the ultimate (stubborn) realist that he is, he's been trying to make a decision about it since I've told him how I feel. It came to a huge climax last night where he needed to vent about his 99.9%ness, and now we're not sure what to do. Do we ride it out and maybe one day he'll realize that to make a decision like that about his life is not something he can do right now? Or do we break up, even though we're so compatible in every other way possible and love each other so much? And if we break up, will he realize that he's being an idiot and that he totally let a great thing go and come back? Or will we break up and I'll have to get over someone whom I love deeply and can't process in my head why we can't be together?

Oh good god. And I don't have an appointment with my therapist until May 5th.... Help.

Camping dirt style

Holy cow. I just spent 4 days in the mountains with 47 sixth graders. Ok, so technically it was 3 days and some odd hours, but who's counting. And technically I didn't spend all of those hours with the 47 sixth graders, but c'mon, give me the credit I need. The real matter is that I spent a considerable amount of time in the dirt (really, dusty dirt, in case you're keeping track), sleeping in a cot (basically), and taking showers wearing my flip-flops. It wasn't what I'd like to call "luxurious." But hey, I took one for the team. I do every year.

The thing I love so much about camp is the way that my kids, who I've grown to love and see in a particular light throughout the year, open up while away from their parents and their home. This year was especially awesome. I had a really good time, despite the obvious change in my environment. The kids were awesome, we had no homesickies, and they all came out of their shell and never acted like they were "too cool" to do any of the silly activities.

While we were there, we got to learn about environmental issues and conservation, try archery (which is really difficult, by the way), climb a 40 foot wall (not easy at all), and hike the heck out of a small portion of the San Bernardino Mountains. I also got to see my kids do team-building activities and figure out who my leaders are. I was blown away by how some of the groups worked together (or didn't) to achieve a task.

As my year is winding down with these kids, I'm realizing that they are becoming one of my favorite classes. Of course, none yet have come close to the group I had my second year, but this one is up there. I'm so glad that we have the opportunity each year to give them this experience. And I look forward to the end-of-the-year activities that are quickly approaching.

I am, however, glad to be home.

My girls

I love my friends. Sure, who doesn't love their friends, but really, I love my friends. I have about four really close friends. Four girls who I would go to for advice, four girls that I would call in a fit of emotion, four girls that I can count on to not only tell me the truth, but also calm me down. And I am so thankful for them, especially in the last few months.

There's the girl who lives in Texas, who is an amazing inspirational person. She and I met in the Credential Program (we both can't remember the initial meeting, I just tell her that she must have been drawn to my hilariousness and wanted to be my friend) and have been friends for 7 years now. She is a very inspirational person and I look up to her in a lot of ways. She's strong (stronger than she knows) and gives me great advice. She know me best and I respect her opinion and advice tremendously. I can call her and we can have conversations about our lives that last for hours. She moved to Texas about a year ago and I thought we would drift apart. I'm so glad we're still able to connect with the distance between us.

There's also the girl who brought me out of my shell, who is a hilarious person that I love to shake my ass with. She and I met in the undergrad program for our major in college and have been friends for almost 10 years. She has been with me since the heart of the ex being in and out of my life. She has taught me how to have fun and I owe many of my early twenties club nights and river trips to her. We knew how to have fun together. We share each other's psycho and crazy secrets and will not judge each other for them. Though we drifted apart, we can still get together and act like no time has passed.

Then there's the girl who I could never live with, but love anyway. She and I met in one of my last classes before graduating with my Bachelor's and then ended up in the same Credential block in the Program. She is a driven and hard working person that I admire because she can have so many things going on at once in her life and still feel calm. We've had some great nights of drunken debauchery together in the last few years, as she took over being my partying friend after the girl that brought me out of my shell had a family. She knows how to calm me down when I'm being a freak by giving me the real perspective of the situation. She has gone through so many changes in her life and I admire her for still remaining sane. I've watched her find herself in the last few years and it is mostly because of her that I decided to see a therapist.

Last, but not least, there's the girl that I work with, who I've known for about 10 years. She and I used to work together back in the grocery store days and then she ended up getting hired at my school about 2 years ago. She keeps me sane at work and, when I start to get crazy in my relationship, puts things into perspective. She's my older, wiser friend that helps me deal with society's expectations of a girl in their 20's and 30s. She teaches me to enjoy life as an almost 30 something woman, doing things for myself and reminding me to live the fullest life that I can live.

These girls are my best friends. I feel like I have a balance and a bond with all four of them that will be hard to break. I appreciate their presence in my life and their patience and understanding of who I am. I love the memories that we've shared and look forward to those that we will make in the future.

Hallelujah!

Finally! I finally found one. I finally found a therapist I like. I think. I mean, I've only been with him once...wait, let me rephrase that. I've only had one appointment with him. But you know when you know and you just can't explain it? That's me right now. Automatically, I knew. When he opened the door to the waiting room and called me back. He's young and very easy to talk to. And no, I don't have a crush on him. I'm not attracted to him at all, actually.

And he pointed out things about me that make SO much sense now that I stand back and take a look. Which is what I needed to see. I can't wait to work more with him and deal with these issues that I have apparently always had. I have to learn how to think differently. Yippee. Can't wait to try that out.

I feel like I've been dating around for so long and I've finally found the one. The relief of feeling settled is finally there. I don't have to go through the first appointment with any other therapists. No more bad dates for me. Score.

1972?? These kids were born in the 90s

My roommate and I were talking today about teaching kids sex ed.

We were walking out of the grocery store and there was a solicitor trying to get us to donate to DARE (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) and my roommate made the comment that she didn't really think DARE had an effect on her, but she would have liked a little more sex ed in elementary school. So this got us on the subject about what is offered for my sixth graders in terms of sex ed. I told her that the videos and script we are to go by are literally from 1972 and are very vague. We are literally told that we are not allowed to talk about anything else than what is on the videos or script. Even if the kids ask, we can't answer any questions. Sure kids need to know how babies are made, but I think whoever developed our curriculum for family life assumed that parents would be the one talking to the kids about the real issues about sex (i.e., birth control, STDs). This, obviously, is not the case.

Why do I say that? Because I just found out that a student that I had 4 years ago is pregnant. That would mean that she is literally 15 years old, carrying a baby, ready to deliver next month. Holy shit. Her brother is in my class presently. That's how it came out. When she (the girl who is pregnant) was in my class, her mother was very involved. She was one of the most involved parents that I've had. And not in a seriously lady, you're killin me sort of way. She was (is, I assume) a great mom. Her daughter was one of my shier girls, not boy crazy, totally into getting good grades. The family was (is) a good one.

And now they have a 15 year old pregnant daughter. Wow. When I was told, I could tell that her brother wasn't really allowed to talk about it. He asked me if I had heard about his sister. As soon as he said it, I felt like something was wrong. I casually said I hadn't and he quickly said nevermind. I let the question go and he asked if I wanted to know about his sister. When he said she was pregnant, I knew that the way in which I reacted was super important. I couldn't act totally shocked (which was how I wanted to), because I didn't want him to go home and tell his parents that I freaked out. I couldn't dismiss it, because that wouldn't set much of example for him. So I chose the middle road (if there is one, really) and just decided to ask him simple questions, like when she was due.

I immediately texted one of my former students from that class (she and I became really close after she left... I don't give out my number to students as a habit) to find out if it was true. She confirmed the pregnancy and I was totally in shock. I mean, as a teacher, I've seen 2 students go through the death of a parent. And that was tough for me. But seeing things like pregnancy happen to my students is rough, for so many different reasons.

And then I started thinking about things. His mom has been nowhere near as involved as she was with her daughter. In fact, she hasn't been involved at all. His mom has been kind of missing from the school scene this year (which is far from normal for this mother). I haven't seen the sister in the car for after school pick-up lately. And when I did see her, was her look of embarrassment because she saw her 6th grade teacher or was it actually from her just finding out she was pregnant? It all started to come together...this family was trying to hide it. But how could they possibly hide something like this? How terribly sad.

So as I prepare to teach my kids about family life this year, I wonder how much of this information is getting through to them. I feel sad for the information that many of them will never get. I wonder how uncomfortable the pregnant girl's brother will feel as he sits through videos of what it takes to make a baby. Will he even put the two together? How will I react when I see his mom the next time? Or his sister for that matter? Oh dear... it's difficult for me to see them grow up. Especially when they grow up way too quickly.

Oh good god. I needed units to move over in my pay scale and thought that taking a class or 5 for my certificate in teaching gifted and talented children would be the best option (since I teach them now and am not certified). So it's a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I'm stuck in the boardroom of my district office listening to some guy teach. Well, I wouldn't specifically call it teaching. I might call it him talking for 6 hours about nothing. OK, maybe not nothing. Some of the things he talks about are for gifted kids, but most aren't. He's boring. Really boring. And if I didn't have my laptop to browse online and type up materials for my own class, I think I might literally walk outside and shoot myself in the head. Yeah, it's drastic, but that's how bad this class is.

And I have one more weekend of this. Eckgh.....

Choices, choices, choices

I don't know what got into me, I but decided to go back to ritualistic karate chopping doctor today. Ok, I lie. I know exactly why I went back to RKCD. I had a really bad second appointment with the first therapist.

The first time I went to the first therapist, I felt like she automatically got to the emotional stuff. It was exactly what I thought therapy should be like. It was rough and there were a few moments that I felt she was being judgmental, but it was deep and emotional and she dove right in.

And then I went to RKCD and she was kookie and karate choppy and such and I kind of wrote her off. Because it wasn't deep and emotional and raw. Ok, and it was a little weird too.

So session two with the first therapist started out ok, but turned bad quickly. Sure, I get it, sometimes the truth is hard to hear. But this was far more than just being truthful. She was making judgments about situations and elements in my life that she had no right doing. I felt like she was trapping me with her questions and then lecturing me about my answers. During the 45 minute session, I literally wanted to sock her in the face three times. My ears got really hot and my cheeks must have been red. I should have just walked out. But I stuck it out because I didn't really know what was going on or what to do. Now that I look back on it, I realize that I didn't have to stay and take her bullshit. But live and learn, eh?

I'm not going back to the first therapist. Whether her methods were customary or not, I don't want a therapist that's going to lecture me on elements on my life that she has no right doing. I just wasn't comfortable with the way she interacted with me.

Now, about RKCD... we had more karate chopping the second time around. And I actually asked her the basis of it all. Her answers were interesting (literally, I'm not trying to sound sarcastic). Her practice is very holistic-based, and I respect that. I find it fascinating. But I'm not so sure it's what I'm looking for. I honestly am not sure what I'm looking for.

I want to follow through on this therapy thing, but it's becoming quite tedious. And on top of that, I've felt great for a few days now (after a situation I decided to take a chance on and it turned out very positively). I'm not saying I'm giving up. I have one more new person that I have an appointment with next week. I think I'll try him out (that's right.... I said him) and see how it goes. RKCD scheduled an appointment in 2 weeks so I'll make my decision on her as it gets closer. I feel like this is something where the answer of what I should do will just happen. So I'll stick with that feeling and see where it takes me.

Holy cow...

I've heard of people having runner's high, but I've never been fortunate (or crazy) enough to experience it. Ok, maybe once, when I was running with the boyfriend. But I think that was more like anger because he was pissing me off. He likes to say, "Let's go for a run together." But he doesn't really mean "together." Whether he'll admit it or not (and he won't, just so you know), he likes to sprint and ends up literally like a football field ahead of me. Which totally pisses me off. So I think my runner's high was more of a f** you (with all the love in my heart, of course) as I ran past him trying to beat him to the signal.

But I digress.... today I took one of the greatest cycle classes EVER. I don't know if it was the instructor or the music or perhaps just the mood I was in (though I'd have to totally have to dispute the last reason...I literally had to force myself to go to the gym today), but I was so pumped (and still am 2 hours later). The cycle classes are usually about 50-55 minutes with 5 minutes of cool down and stretching. And if you've ever taken cycle or spin, you know that that's totally enough time. The cardio that is involved in that class is ridiculous. I come out soaking wet every time. But tonight it was 75 minutes of intense cardio. SEVENTY FIVE MINUTES. I thought I was going to die at minute 25. And I lasted 75 minutes. This instructor was hard core. She was screaming at us throughout the entire class. The music was great. The last song was 7 1/2 minutes and I wanted to cry it hurt so bad, but I did it. I was on such a runner's high afterwards. And the euphoria has not let up.

I can't even begin to tell you how great this makes me feel. I've had a rough couple of months. But tonight I feel wonderful. I miss this feeling....

Oh boy... this is gonna be a rough road

You ever act a certain way and wonder, while you are in the actual moment, why you are acting this way? Most people are able to realize that their outward actions are crazy, change their outward actions, and safely be on their way. Not me. It's like I'm two different people. I can hear myself saying, "Stop acting like an idiot," but I can't stop acting like an idiot.

So the boyfriend comes home last night from a 5-day snowboarding vacation with friends. Now mind you, while he's been gone, I've started therapy for the first time in my life. And one of the therapists uncovered the fact that I am insecure (and I totally agree with her). So, being the great student that I am, I've been trying to do everything in my power to be secure. Right? Isn't that the answer?

This is a lot easier said than done. See, this insecurity stems from as far back as I can remember. Which, if you're sorting the logistics in your head, means that I've never really known how to be secure. Especially in relationships. So this is like trying to make a rack of lamb with no directions. Not pretty.

So last night, with my newfound learnings of myself, I decide that I'm going to try out this security thing. And boy was I nervous. My palms were actually sweating. What a mess. The poor boyfriend...he had no idea what the hell was going on. And I can hear myself saying to myself, "Abandon ship! Abandon ship!" But no. Not so much.

It's a good thing that the boyfriend is so patient with me and knows that I'm going through some serious crap right now. I woke up this morning with a text message that said, "Mornin! You feelin any better?"

I will wipe the slate clean and start all over again today.

Don't be crazy woman

Wow...parents can be really lame. I mean, I guess most are just protecting their kids, but if only they could take a step back sometimes and see how crazy some of the things they do are.

So I had this dispute with a kid in class on Tuesday. I'm still pretty convinced that he lied to me, but at this point, the story isn't worth it. Anyway, his mom left me a message Tuesday afternoon telling me to call her regarding "what happened in class today." I got the message in a meeting (I felt very business-y) and I laughed because I knew exactly what it was about. The meeting ended at 4:15 and I wasn't about to get on the phone with an angry parent so I put the message in my mailbox, vowing to call after school the next day.

The next morning, I came in and immediately checked my email. It's what I always do....power up the computers and check my email. Well, I received and email from Angry Mom again. Still angry. It said something about leaving me a message and me being in a meeting and still not hearing from me. She wanted to meet with me to discuss what happened. Laughing to myself, I responded that I unfortunately didn't get out of the meeting until 4:15 (and I have a life outside of my job, thank you very much), but if she would like to speak with me, I'd be available after school to meet or I'd call her.

I saw her in the office at lunch later that same day. (She's a pretty active parent at our school.) She told me after school would be fine.

So she catches up with me after school as I'm walking back to my classroom. And this is how it goes down:

Angry Mom: I just wanted to let you know that my husband wants to talk to you tomorrow, so (she pats me on the arm)....eh heh... good luck. (And she starts to walk away.)

Me: (Is this bitch for real? I really would like to kick her as she's walking away, but instead realize that I obviously have to be the adult in this conversation.) What seems to be the problem?

And we proceed to talk about the issue. Well, we talk about the issue and she pretty much bashes my class, saying that her son doesn't like school because kids make fun of him in class all the time. I let her know that obviously this isn't going on (at least that I'm aware of...and I'm pretty aware). She tells me that she's just trying to get him through 6th grade at this point. I'm thinking to myself, Lady... your kid is a big ol' crybaby. And it's your fault. Getting him out of sixth grade should be the last thing on your mind. Seventh and 8th grade will be 100 times worse for your pookie.

I then decide that in order to make this situation go away, I'd better apologize to the kid in front of Angry Mom. So I did. I can't prove that he lied, and I wasn't about to argue specifics about a stupid 10-second incident. But before they walked away, I made sure to tell Angry Mom that I was more than happy to meet with (apparently) Hardass Dad the next day. I'd be available at the same time, but wasn't sticking around for long. She said she'd talk to him.

So this morning, I get a note (actually, a card) from her that proceeds to thank me for the way that I handled the situation. What the...? First you all but threaten me with your husband and then you thank me? You crazy woman!

At least now I don't have to break out the crazy Mexican - but professional - attitude on the dad.

Session 1... different therapist

Today was appointment number 2. And boy is this going to be a great post....

Maybe it was because I was less nervous, maybe I just knew what to expect this time... who knows. But it started out the same.... why did you decide to come and see me today? Yada yada yada. She was nice enough to give me relaxation techniques (deep breathing, yoga, maybe look into meditating) and then... this is where it gets good..... she asked if she could try a technique on me. I don't remember what she called it or even what was supposed to happen, all I remember is her describing what she was going to do. I later learned that it was supposed to release the negative energy. She asked if I was willing to give it a try, and I said, what the hell... let's do this, let's party.

So I sat on a stool in the middle of the office. She asked me to put one hand on my forehead and the other on my opposite shoulder. She then proceeded to karate chop my spine. You may be imagining her standing back, screaming hiy-yah! and smacking me on my spine. This was not the case. She instead was giving me light chops on my spine, kinda like a masseuse might give in a relaxing massage. Oh wait, I almost forgot... before she began this process, she asked me to think back to my earliest memory of me feeling anxiety. Ok, so this was literally when I was like 4. I was supposed to channel the emotion that I felt during that memory as she karate chopped me. And don't forget about the hand on the forehead and the other on the opposite shoulder. I moved the hand on the shoulder to my side, then my chest, then between my boobs (she actually said boobs), then under my boob, then on my belly button, then around my neck, then on the bridge of my nose. All the while she's karate chopping me in different areas of my spine. I then switched the hand on my forehead to the opposite hand and did all the same positions again. "Now take a deep breath."

She stood in front of me and asked me what I was feeling. At this point, I forgot what my initial memory was and wasn't really sure what the correct answer was supposed to be. Did it usually work on the first try? Did other patients need more karate chops? I chose to go with the latter and repeated the above mentioned process. "Now take a deep breath."

At this point I told her I definitely felt better about the emotion because I wasn't really sure I could manage another chop. Too bad for me because then my next assignment was to channel the anxiety in a recent experience. And the process was repeated. And then repeated again.

I swear to you this is a true story.

When we finally finished, she asked me to walk around the office, which was a tad smaller than a cubicle, and drink some water. I felt like she was trying to tell me to walk it off. But all I wanted to do was giggle.

We sat down again and she asked me if I had any questions. What the hell am I supposed to ask a woman that just performed some ritualistic karate chopping technique on my back? Are you certified? Do you charge by the hour? Will my insurance cover this? I instead decided to save myself and tell her that I had no questions. She insisted on scheduling another appointment. At this point, I had no idea what to say to that (aside from, you're a crazy woman) so I let her schedule an appointment and made sure to grab a business card so that I could cancel the appointment as soon as possible, hoping to get her voicemail when I called.

I walked out of the office feeling like I just stepped out of an episode of the Twilight Zone. The good news is, I'm not going back. The even better news is, each time I tell this story it makes me laugh. And laughing is such a great change. So, thanks ritualistic karate chopping doc.

Session 1

Yesterday was my first therapy session. I've been trying to figure out if this was something that I wanted to blog about....the therapy in general, that is. Did I want to keep it to myself, or was I willing to share about these emotional times with whoever in hell reads this (shout out to Megs...the only person that I really know reads my posts)?

OK, I'll give a little bit. I was crying the entire time. Partly because of my issues, and partly because I was nervous and embarrassed. And then when I left, I kind of felt worse than before I went in. I know I can't obviously be healed in one day (duh), but I really don't know what I expected. I'm just worn out. I proceeded to spend the next 2 hours on the phone with my mom, crying. Seriously. I have this sinking feeling in my heart. That's all I can say to explain it. I know it'll probably get worse before it gets better, but this seriously needs to hurry up.

That which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Though I sure as hell don't feel the least bit strong right now.