Monday, September 29, 2008

Demons lurking

Last night, being so excited about my new blog facelift, I started looking back at former posts. Namely, from when the ex and I broke up until now. I can't believe how much easier it's gotten. I remember thinking my life was going to end ( specific weekend, I remember crying so hard and literally thinking that there was no way in hell my life would be worth anything without him...I was a mess). And now, I have friends that have gone through/are going through some really crappy times and I can stand back and be like, wow...I remember being there, taking one breath at a time, living one minute at a time.

I was talking to a friend about my insecurity demons that I've been trying to tackle within the last 5 months and it scared me. Scared me that I've since realized all of this about myself and scared me because what if it's still there? This issue seems to rear its ugly head when I'm in a serious relationship so I'm terrified that it will happen again. I'm staying in therapy for that very reason. Because I think all is fine and dandy right now... I'm a solo traveler, I live alone (and love it), I feel like I have my shit together in general. But what happens when I meet someone and fall in love again? What if all the shit comes back? Will I know how to deal? Or will I fall back into my crazy, snowballing-the-issue self again? I know, I'm catastrophizing again. But that's my fear.

And I'm scared about the upcoming holidays. It will be the first in 3 years that I will not have him to celebrate with. I'm going to miss him, I know. But I don't want it to get out of control. I don't want to miss him so much that I have a shitty holiday season. Again, catastrophizing. But it worries me. And I'm sure I'll get through it just like I got through this summer that I was so afraid of. But still. It's there and I needed to voice it.


Sunday, September 28, 2008


Yeah, yeah.... it's different.

One, I was tired of the old layout. I needed something new. Two, I changed the title, because when I first started this thing a year ago, I was in fact wondering if my life was really that interesting. Now, I could really care less about the answer to that question. And plus I feel like I've changed so much in the last 5 months.

I am not that same girl anymore.

See what I did there?

The only thing that sucks is that it automatically removed my widgets from my sidebar. I had to redo my blogroll and am not sure if I still want the other stuff on the side. I'll sleep on it and play with it another day.

Anyway, I don't really care if you like it. The fact of the matter is, I do. So there.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I almost forgot how much I love TV

A few of things to share:
  • I cut my hair. Again. It's short. Like almost-can't-go-into-a-ponytail-but-when-it-does-the-ponytail-doesn't-move-at-all short. Yeah, I've gotten a lot of compliments but I feel like a 12-year old when I look in the mirror.
  • I already have a parent that hates me and thinks I'm picking on her child. Ok, she didn't necessarily say those words but her almost-yelling tone to me on the phone today and the phone call an hour later to my principal to voice her frustration over the fact that "maybe this class isn't working out for my daughter," might have led me to the "hate" direction. I love it. Welcome to "she's a girl in 6th grade" year. Is it bad that it makes me smile? Parents kill me sometimes.
  • I love Rocco DiSpirito. For the record, I loved him before DWTS. I loved him back in The Restaurant days. Ok, sure, he can't really dance (though his second dance kinda turned me on, I'm not gonna lie), but for God's sake, he can cook. And something about that brings me back to my first love. Boy was that sexy. Minus the fact that Rocco's schedule would totally blow, I wanna marry him.
  • It's freakin hot. I mean, sure, I love living in sunny California, especially in the summer. But when I have to look professional in non-breatheable materials and stand outside to direct traffic at 2:30 in the 100 degree weather, it sucks. I want nothing more than to be in a bathing suit, by the pool, reading a book. Not at work. Dear global warming, it's almost October. We get your point, but let up on us a smidge. Thanks. Sincerely, Brandi.
  • Did anyone watch Oprah yesterday where the mom got a horrible infection right after she gave birth and lost both her arms and legs? Holy shit. Talk about a warrior! And thank goodness that Jim Carrey has a sensitive side. I was beginning to think that he was all goofy faces and ADHD.
  • I am so excited to watch last night's episode of Lipstick Jungle. (Wow, I sure am a TV whore now that I have cable and Tivo.) I am in love with Kirby and as soon as my relationship with Rocco goes to shit because he's never home, I am going to marry Robert Buckley. And we're going to have 2 kids and my students will call me Mrs. Buckley. A girl can dream, can't she?

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Saturday, September 20, 2008

I did it I did it I did it!!!!

Holy hell. I did it. I ran 13 miles today. And it was the most difficult thing that I've ever done, physically. For those of you SoCal natives, I ran from the Honda Center to Huntington Beach. Yeah, take that in for a second. That's f-ing far.

We ran along this biking/running trail that just went alongside the water something-or-other that had no water in it. It reminded me of that scene in Grease when Danny races Grease Lightning against Kenickie's shiny, pretty car in that water-something-or-other that has no water in it. I was singing Go Grease Lightning in my head and looking for the chick that's wearing the yellow outfit that uses her scarf to start the race. But I digress...

What's funny is that we've been running this trail the entire time we've been training. Just further north. We always start at the 21.5 mile marker (the miles are marked at every .5 mile) and either run north or south. So, I've gotten as far north as 26.5 and as far south as 15.5. And I've kinda always wondered where mile 0 was. Guess what?

I found it today. Apparently it's at Huntington Beach.

So you can imagine my joy when I got to this and then looked up and saw no one from my team with balloons or water or anything. Yeah, that's because it was about .2 miles after that mile marker. Which, I know, doesn't sound like a whole ton. But when your feet and legs literally feel like they are going to either fall off or give out, it's a freakin far distance. But I made it, don't you worry your pretty little heads. I crossed that finish line with a burst of energy found who knows where and was almost in tears.

But that wasn't my actual race. It was just a practice run (yay for practices). My race is 3 weeks from tomorrow. Note to self: Before the actual race/run (because who are we kidding, I ain't racin no one), do not (I repeat, do not) go to a wedding the night before that is kind enough to have an open bar and drink 3 beers (which is a lot for me) and a shot of tequila. It doesn't help. At all. In fact, it makes you kinda sluggish and feeling like you want to die at about mile 9. And mile 9 is not where the finish line is. It's mile 13.1.

Anyway, I have to take a nap so that I can be all sorts of fun tonight at co-worker's housewarming party where, the awesome girls I work with have decided to dress up in horrific, thrift store-purchased prom dresses. Why? Because that's how we roll over at our school. I love the girls I work with so much.

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Sunday, September 14, 2008

A new phase

Out with it. Here it comes.

Before I left for my trip, my ex stuck his head back into my life. He sent me a card for my birthday. And this is the thing.... I totally appreciated the sincerity of it all. But I couldn't respond because I knew what it would all lead to. I was in a relationship before him that continuously went on and on and on because of sweet, sincere correspondences. A phone call led to lunch, which led to hanging out and trying to convince myself that I could be friends with him, which led to me always getting back with him. So I knew I couldn't respond to the birthday card, even if the intentions were innocent. But I struggle with it. Everyone was telling me to not respond and move on, but part of me wanted to just let him know that I got it, I appreciated it, but I couldn't take the correspondence any further. I felt like a total bitch for not responding. And I'm still not going to. But I feel like this entry is part of me letting it go. I gotta get it out.

So this is the thing.... he mentioned that he hoped that one day we could at least be friendly. But is that even possible? I'm over the 8-year ex and I still don't know if I could be friends with him and he's married now. I just don't know if exes are meant to be friends. And that breaks my heart because he was a huge part of my life and has a huge part of my heart.

And to top it off, his mom texted me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday and I didn't even respond to say thank you. Now I feel like I let 2 people down. I guess if I were on the other end and I didn't get a response, I'd be bitter. So now I feel like I'm living with 2 people being bitter with me. But why do I care??? Why does it bother me so much?

Yesterday, having no cable now for a week, I started to look through pictures in my computer. And I pulled up our old pictures, thinking I was strong enough to handle them. It made my stomach turn into knots. And not because I'm still heartbroken, but because I didn't even feel him anymore. I didn't recognize him (like how I used to, at least) and I didn't feel him. I don't even know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but the feeling made me so sad. And then looking at myself, I didn't even recognize who I was in those pictures. All I could see was this girl that wanted so desperately for the guy next to her to love her; someone who wasn't even comfortable in her own skin, let alone her own relationship of 2 years. That was what was most shocking and disturbing of all to me. I finally had to close the computer and do something else to take my mind off of the sadness.

But shouldn't that make me happy? That I've changed so much for the better? Yeah, I guess. But it also makes me wonder what that relationship would have been like if I was who I am now. Or if he would even like who I am now. And I feel bad for him that he doesn't know who I am now. Because this is the person I've always wanted to be. Someone who doesn't say she can't do something. Someone who believes in herself. Someone who's not afraid of losing her boyfriend. Someone whose self-worth isn't wrapped up in her boyfriend. It wasn't his fault, it was who I was. And I'm not angry at him anymore. I see so clearly what I couldn't see before. All the things that made me angry about the break-up are all clear in my head now.

But I still miss him. I miss his presence in my life. He knew me for 2 years. Granted, he didn't know the real me, but I didn't know the real me back then either. We shared a lot together and it's hard to let go of all of it. I'm working on it, but I don't think I'll ever let go completely. I don't think I should. He's part of my history. He made me who I am today. Literally.

So here's to being in a new phase of this breakup. Five months later. It still hurts and it still sucks, but at least I know I'm learning.

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Saturday, September 13, 2008

Co-dependent on myself

Ok, I think I'm finally settled. I'm not all the way unpacked but I am unpacked enough to sit and feel comfy in my new place. I don't have cable yet, nor do I have the Internet, but I'd like to take this time out to say thank you to my neighbors who do have a signal strong enough for me to pick up on. It has been the source of my entertainment in the last week. So thank you neighbors in H19. I will be less annoyed at your dog when he barks at me from behind your door every time I leave or enter my apartment. trip. Wow. I went with the idea of it being, well, I don't even know if I can put into words what I thought it was going to be like. I have to say, it far surpassed any expectations that I had. And it was so easy. The most difficult part was the drive to the airport. Once I got out and got in line to get checked in, it was cake. No nerves or anything after that. The only time I got a smidge worried was when I landed in Rome and couldn't find where I was supposed to catch my transfer. That was a joke. Dear Contiki, please be more specific when you tell me to "find my shuttle to the hotel." Your directions sucked.

I will briefly try and tell you about the places I went. The first day in Rome I got to check out the Vatican City and Sistene Chapel. Super cool.

The next day in Rome, we went for a guided walking tour of the piazzas and fountains and then took our bus to the Imperial part of Rome, where the Forum and Colosseum are. That was super cool, because I've wanted to see the Colosseum for a long time.

We left for Sorrento, Italy the next morning. Sorrento was beautiful but full of rude Italians. We got harassed by some young Italian guys at the beach, whereupon I kicked one of them to get him away from me. One of the guys in our group got smacked in the face by a passerby on a Vespa, puposely. They didn't like us.

The second day in Sorrento, we took a ferry to Capri where we got to see the Blue Grotto, which was beautiful. The picture to the left shows the entrance into the Blue Grotto. We had to literally lay down flat to get in. After the boat ride, we spent the rest of the afternoon shopping and eating.

We left Sorrento and stopped in Pompeii before getting on the grossest-ever overnight ferry into Greece. Pompeii was so much different than I had imagined. Ok, sure I knew about the sudden eruption and such, but I had no idea that the city was a) so large and b) so Vegas-like. It was like sin city in Roman days. Let's just put it this way, there was a penis carved into the cobblestones on the streets pointing to the brothel. And the brothel had pictures above the doorways into the rooms that depicted the woman's specialty. It was awesome.

After the most disgusting overnight ferry ride ever, we drove into Corfu. I didn't really go into the city in Corfu, though we did take a day-long boat ride around the island. That was close to being one of my favorite days of the trip. So beautiful and serene. I love being in, near, and around water.

The next morning, we drove seven hours into Athens. The first night in Athens, we shopped at the Plaka and it was fabulous. I bought some great stuff there. It was probably where I spent most of my money. The second day in Athens was all about the Acropolis and the Parthenon and all of the historical stuff, which I totally dug. Amazing, that's all I have to say about that.

I must say that I never really felt alone on this trip. Sure, I made friends and hung out with different people from places like Canada, South Africa, the UK, and Australia, but I was ultimately by myself. And I didn't feel alone. Even when I ventured from the group. I had to actually tell myself a couple of times, "You're in Italy," or "You're in Greece." I suppose an African safari would have really tested my strength, but after doing this, I feel like I can do anything and go anywhere. In the end, aren't I the only one I have to depend on anyway?

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Thursday, September 4, 2008

Helloooo 100!

Guess what??? This is my 100th post! Wahooo!

OK, now on to more important issues. I promise I am going to post pictures of my trip, but.... see... remember back in the day when I said that this was going to be a busy few weeks? Yeah, I started work on Tuesday (in a jet-lagged, half-sick fog, by the way) and have been trying to pack my shit up for the move on Sunday. Oh yeah, and don't forget doing things like buying a refrigerator (ok, so my parents might have helped me out with that one), scheduling a moving truck, getting the necessities for the apartment, and trying to act like I know what I'm doing in front of a new bunch of kids. It's been exhausting. And I haven't been to the chiropractor in like 3 weeks so my neck and shoulder have been killing me and I've been getting bad headaches. AND I haven't ran for about 3 weeks and I have an 11 mile training session this Saturday. I. Can't. Wait.

So let me just get past this weekend, and possibly next week (Back to School Night on Thursday) and then I'll be ALL OVER the pictures of my superb, yet wonderfully therapeutic trip. I know you're all jealous. Don't hate. It's very unbecoming.

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