My big fat Greek experience

Yesterday was therapy. And once again, I went in feeling angry and sad and hurt. Yadda yadda yadda. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of feeling it. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired. So we started out, once again, with me crying and him saying, "Why can't you just feel the anger and take it for what it's worth? You realize all of these feelings are normal..." Well, yeah, but this is me. The perfectionist. This isn't normal. This is two steps back and all I want to be doin is movin forward. None of this backward shit. No siree. Not me. I don't work that way.

So then we start talking about how I felt independent on my little trip to Texas (more on that later). It was the first time that I not only made my own flight arrangements, but also got on an airplane and flew by myself. Yes, I know it sounds menial to some. But if you knew me and you knew how much I hate flying, you'd know that flying by myself is something that I probably shouldn't do. Ask those that I've traveled with. I've once taken a Xanax to calm myself before a flight. Yes, it's that bad. Anyway, we start talking about how empowered I felt doing this and how the book (yesterday's post) inspired me to travel somewhere and how I've actually asked a friend to travel with me to Greece this summer because I've recently become so inspired. All I want to do is travel. What makes me happy? Traveling. I. Love. It. I want to see the world. Ever since I had to take two art history classes in my uppergrad studies (I was 20 or 21), I've wanted to explore the architecture of the past. I want to see different cultures and history and get out of my California (though I do love it) bubble. I need to. I yearn for it.

And then he says it. He nails it on the head. He brings me to almost sobs. He says, "Maybe the reason you're so hurt and angry is because you feel like he robbed you of the experience." Oh. My. God. He couldn't have been more on target. I am pissed and hurt because my ex not only planned a trip with me, broke up with me, and then proceeded to take this trip that we planned without me... he also left me at home, with my dreams of traveling and seeing the world crushed. And he's there. He's living my dreams. Right now. At this very moment. Fuck. Him. So as I'm trying my darndest not to all-out sob in his office, he says, "So the question is, are you going to let him rob you of this experience?"

I let out an almost immediate, "No!" And then my thoughts started to wander to making a big trip. Just days before, I had an impulse to go somewhere this summer, somewhere out of the country. I texted my roommate about going with me and she couldn't do it. I had, the day before, asked another friend to take a trip with me this summer. She's still working on seeing if it's a possibility. So I said to him, "I'm trying to. But none of my friends can do this with me."

So he proceeded to challenge my thoughts about traveling alone. I mean, not alone as in, I step out of the airport and tell the taxi driver to take me wherever. I mean, joining a tour group when I get there but taking the trip by myself. What am I afraid of? Not being able to handle a tough situation on my own. Not sharing the amazing moments with someone. Not making friends on the trip and experiencing it alone. By myself. I said to him, "When I'm standing in front of the Parthenon and I'm in tears because it's a dream that's finally being realized and I look around me, who's there to share it with? Who's there to experience this amazingness with me?" And he says, "Why can't you just enjoy it? Why can't you bask in the amazingness by yourself?" Ha. Jerk. Of course he said this. So, I think, why not? "Because I need someone else to tell me that what I'm seeing is in fact amazing." Hello validation! Shit. Ok, he's got me.

And then it was like this bright, shining light opened up from the clouds above. It was as if everything that has happened in the last 2 months all rushed to me at once. THIS IS THE ANSWER!!! THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR! All things pointed in the direction of that very moment. I. Must. Travel. And not just go whenever and with whomever. Go with myself. Holy shit. I was scared shitless and excited all at the same time. I could do this. I could actually get on a plane and travel out of this country by myself. And I think I will.

As soon as I got home, I got on the computer and researched some options. I decided on Rome to Athens in 11 days. Thank you Contiki. I would get to see ALL of the things that began this dream of mine. The Sistine Chapel. The Vatican. The Colosseum. The Forum. Pompei. The Parthenon. The Acopolis. No shit. So guess where I'm going THIS August?

That's right bitches.