The thing is, I'm at a different place in my life than most of my friends. I'm 30 (basically), single, and a free spirit. Most of them are 30ish, married, with kids (or thinking about having them). I'm not there. And there's nothing wrong with their lives, like there's nothing wrong with my life....but it makes hanging out with them difficult. Sure, I'm positive most of this comes from my selfishness and quite possibly jealousy of the fact that they have a stable relationship. But, I want my friend, not their husband or their kid. I love that they are married and have a kid and that it makes them happy. I love their kids. I really do. But when I'm not a mom and I hang out with my friend in mom mode, it's hard. Really hard. And I hate that I'm so selfish about this.
The thing is, this doesn't change how much I love them and how close I can be and still am in one-on-one situations. But I feel so out of place. And it's not the, "sigh, I wish I had their life," out of place. It's the, "sigh, when do I get just my friend," out of place. It's so selfish. And I'm kinda ashamed of that.
And then I think, is it weird that they are all there and I'm so not? I mean, sure, I just got out of a potentially lifelong relationship and all of those marriage and family things were fluttering through my head for the last 2 years. But the kids part was never something that I felt like I had to have at that moment. Maybe it was the relationship's circumstances, maybe it wasn't. But now that I'm out of it, I still feel like kids are not in my nearby future. I'm not ready to give up my life for a kid. Another selfish comment, sure. But an honest one. I want to have kids one day. I'm not sure when, but I do see myself having a family. But not now. So when I hang out with my friends and their families, it's oftentimes uncomfortable. Not all the time, just some of the time.
It's difficult. It's difficult to be where I am in my life and not have others that are in the same place to share it with. It's frustrating and many times lonely. This whole growing up thing kinda sucks sometimes.