Maybe the window is starting to open??

I think I may be in love with my therapist. Wait, let me clarify. I'm not in love love with him, I just love him. He's great. When meeting with him yesterday (after the not-so-great-weekend), he allowed me to cry and be viciously angry (apparently I'm at the "anger" stage of this process now - good to know it's moving forward), and then he called me out on a shitload of stuff.

I was seriously SO FREAKIN empowered when I left him yesterday. I started to see past him (the boyfriend that isn't anymore - still can't bring myself to call him the real term) making me feel this way, and began to see how I was doing this to myself. I know, surprise surprise. These deep feelings of anger and rejection are a result of my own need to be made happy by others (namely, the boyfriend that isn't anymore). Ok, fine, but how do I deal with it? And how do I stop the anger towards him? I mean, I can still be angry at his selfishness... because, quite frankly, it's one of the largest emotions I have running through me right now.... but I have to focus more on how I deal with it.

Right now, I'm trying to focus on what makes me happy. He (the therapist whom I love) asked me yesterday, "When are you most happy?" It was like a loaded question and I knew it. So, of course, I said, "I'm not really sure how you want me to answer that. Like in this present moment of my life? During the day? What do you mean?" And, being the ultimate therapist that he is, responded, "You tell me. What makes you happy?" And I proceeded to talk about being happy when someone else made me feel happy. Duh. It's like I walked right into it, knowing it was a loaded question, but answering like a spineless lost chick anyway.

So today, when I was blindsided by a text from him (the boyfriend who isn't anymore), I first fell apart. And then I picked myself and tried to figure out why I let him do this to me. (Just in case you're wondering, the text was telling me that he had sent me my refund check for our trip to Europe - that he's still going on (fucker) and then hoping that I was doing well. Riiiight.) And as I was driving home, I had an epiphany that the reason I feel so shitty is because I cannot get my happiness from him anymore. I must get my happiness from (drumroll please) .... me. Imagine that. But seriously, how do I do that? First of all, being happy right now for anything longer than like 3 minutes is far-fetched. It's like I curse myself. I'll be like, "Wow, I sure am happy right... wait, we broke up." And then it's gone. (Seriously, this is how demented I am.) Second, thinking deeply about what it exactly is that makes me feel happy that is outside of someone else, is like nonexistant in my head right now. I started to make a list in my head. And I came up with this.... dancing. And music that I can really feel (whether it be lyrics or beat or whatever). And doing volunteer work. Well, actually, I don't know if that makes me happy or not, being that I've never really done it. But I got a wild hair up my ass and went to a Habitat for Humanity volunteer orientation today. What the hell, ya know?

So I don't know. I feel like I'm trying to swim in this very large ocean and I get a little momentum for a smidge and then I can't do it anymore and I float. I don't sink, I float. Sometimes I slip under the water for a bit longer than I want, but I don't sink. I will never sink. I know that for sure. But I don't want to just float. And I don't want to slip under water at all. I want to swim. And swim. And swim some more. Until I finally reach the shore. Shit, maybe someone will pick me up along the way. No, they can't. I have to swim on my own. I have to swim and not stop swimming until I reach the shore.

Wow, I just impressed the hell out of myself with that metaphor. I should let my kids read it. Maybe then they will understand fully what a freakin metaphor is. Probably not though.

This is how my mind is working lately. See what has happened to me?