I brought this up to my therapist yesterday and he, of course, asked me why I thought I felt that way. If I didn't want him to call, why am I angry that he's not calling? Because I didn't mean enough for him to try. Shit. And then my therapist said, "You realize that you're putting yourself down every time you get angry. You are angry because you don't think you're worth him calling." Double shit. I started crying super hard when he pointed this out to me because, guess what.... it's the truth.
Crap. Why do I put myself down so much? Why am I so negative about who I am? This is so frustrating. I don't dispute feeling any of what my therapist points out and it frustrates the hell out of me. I hate that I've become Negative Nancy. I want to change it. But it's so deeply ingrained in my subconscious that I don't even realize when it's happening. So if I don't know it's happening, how do I stop it? F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-I-N-G.