Saturday, December 27, 2008

Donde esta el bano?

My Mexicanness has been under questioning lately. And I don't wonder why. Quite frankly, I'm surprised it wasn't questioned earlier.

Yesterday, I did a class at the gym called Zumba. This is seriously one of the greatest aerobics classes ever invented. This is the desription:

"This workout combines high energy and motivating music with synchronized dance movements designed for any fitness level. The routines feature aerobic fitness interval training with a combination of fast and slow rhythms that tone and sculpt the body. Want to burn some calories and have fun? Then Zumba is for you!"

At first, my friend and I were like, so? This could be Senior Fit for all we know. So we investigated. We asked the lady who teaches Step what this Zumba thing was. I don't remember exactly what she said, but I heard 'Latin music' and 'Latin dance moves' in her description. We were sold.

So we went to the next Zumba class and were mesmorized by the music and dance moves and aerobic workout. But this is the thing... I apparently have no Latin rhythm. You know how they put those mirrors up so you can check yourself out while you're getting your aerobisize on? (Why
do they have the mirrors up?) Well, I made the mistake of taking my eyes off of the instructor to see what I looked like. Holy shit! I instantly became embarrassed at my lack of Latin rhythm. There were 2 Latin girls behind me who obviously knew how to be Latin and that I'm sure called each other after the class to discuss my lack of Latinness.

Another reason why I suck at being Mexican? I can't handle spicy foods. At all. Like, my nose runs when I eat the salsa they give you at Mexican restaurants. But that's my dad's fault, who is the reason for my half-Mexicanness. He
sweats when he eats that salsa.

Another reason why I suck at being Mexican? I can't a-speak a-Spanish. It drives my not-Mexican friend who is the.greatest.Spanish.speaker.ever crazy. I actually met her in a Spanish class this summer. I suck at speaking Spanish. I think it's because I know I should be better and I'm embarrassed, so I don't try. I hang my head in shame at my horribleness. Ok, in my defense, I have the first semester of Spanish nailed. But really, who doesn't. Verbs are my enemy. They should die an unholy death for being so difficult to memorize. Expecially the stem-changers and the irregulars. I hate them. So I gave up learning.

So, yes, I kinda suck at being Mexican. But I'm not sad about it. Why? Because I got the skin color and the ass to prove my Mexicanness. Sure, my last name is there too, but that'll change one day. I'll always have the skin and ass. So what now?

You know you want my Mexicanness.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I'm sorry litle piggy

Ew. I just discovered something that I kinda knew was going to happen but didn't really want it to. One of my toenails is going to come off. Yeah, I know. Gross. But I was told it would happen as a runner. As a matter of fact, my feet and toenails are so jacked up since I started running, I'm going to go and see a podiatrist. That's how bad it's become. And I'm not going to quit running. That would be crazy!

So yeah, I'm losing a nail. And I think I'm losing the worst one of all. My big toenail!! Ugh. I'm not happy. At least I can be thankful that it's wintertime and my toes will be covered 98% of the time anyway. And when they're not, I'm the only that will see. Ew. I'm so grossed out.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Metamorphosis? Conversion? Modification? Shift? Transformation?

How does one know that they've changed? Sure, you can change a hair style or a shirt and see the results right away. But how does a person know they've changed? Are we always changing? Do some people just never change? Is it something you don't realize because you're with yourself every second of every hour of every day?

At the beginning of summer, I decided that I wanted to change. I wanted to be a better me. I wanted to be more independent and more in love with myself. But have I achieved that? And if I did, how do I know? Is it all a mindset? Why do I feel like I have some days and haven't other days? Why do people call me an inspiration, but I don't see how what I do in my existence is any different that what another person does? How am I an inspiration? It doesn't make sense to me.

I feel like I've achieved a lot of things in the past few months that I never thought I was capable of doing, but I still feel like the same person. It's like when someone says, "I don't feel 30." Well, what does 30 feel like? What does change feel like? Would I know if I felt it? Or do I just look back one day and say, "Wow, I've changed." And how long does that take? How long does change take? Is it like love, where you just know?

I thought these holidays were going to be difficult. And when I think of difficult, I think of when I was without the 8-year ex on holidays and I would feel sick and sad and would just want to sit in a room by myself because I couldn't handle being without him. But it's not like that. I'm not sad. But I'm not totally happy. I'm lonely. But I'm not depressed. I would rather not be alone, but being alone isn't so bad. Ok, that's a change from the 8-year ex, but is it the change I'm looking for?

I don't know exactly what I'm looking for right now. Maybe I'm looking for happiness. Maybe I'm looking for a bigger change. I've been contemplating moving. And not like moving down the street like I have been for the last 7 years. I mean moving. New York? Overseas? Am I running from something? Am I running to something? Will it help me discover anything about myself? Is it worth leaving everything I love and have known for the last 30 years to relocate? What if I hate it? What if I can't come back to what I have right now? I love my job... where I work, who I work with, the kids I teach, the respect that I've earned. What if I leave and I can't handle my new life? I don't know what to do. And I shouldn't make this decision right now if I'm not ready to. But what if I am ready and I'm just scared? I was scared to take my trip by myself, but once I did it, it was fine. Once I got out of the car at LAX, I was calm. And I never looked back. I got homesick once, but I think it was the conditions of the overnight stay. But what if I hate the conditions if I move?

I've told quite a few people about moving and everyone that I talk to (except my parents, of course) have told me to do it. If they were in my position, they would in a heartbeat. But would they? And maybe some have. But they didn't do it alone. I don't even know if it's what I'm looking for. I don't know what I'm looking for, to be honest. Change. That's what I'm looking for. And maybe that's what's happening and I don't even realize it. But I want to see it. I want to know I'm making progress toward my goal.

What does change look like?

Swim -Jack's Mannequin

You gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
Swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open yeah
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absense of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
For nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers your friends
Yeah you gotta swim
For wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed is a flaw
The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim to brighter days
Despite of the absense of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's an ocean to drift in
Feel the tide shifting away from the spark
Yeah you gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just follow the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Dear MySpace,


Yeah, I know, we haven't talked in awhile. I mean, I've said brief 'hellos' here and there but I haven't really stayed and visited with you in a long time. But this is the thing. I've met someone new. And sure, they may not have the same qualities as you. You allowed me to decorate my page and post fun pictures and stuff. But I have to say, I've grown tired of it all. It's exhausting. I'd pick a profile set-up and then be tired of it 3 days later. I'd post things that I thought were funny and couldn't handle looking at them within a week. My profile song started out as my favorite, and then within a few days I hated it. I can't get tired of music that quickly.

We've just grown apart. There's nothing more I can say. We've grown apart and you've been replaced by something that just holds my interest more. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, but it's true. So you can keep the things I've left at your place. I don't need them anymore. Let's just make a clean break so it doesn't go on forever. It's not healthy for either of us.

Thanks for the memories and the friends you got me back in touch with (and then probably lost touch with again).


Monday, December 15, 2008

Back to the Big Apple Why, you ask? Perhaps it's because IamgoingbacktoNewYork!!!!!! I went earlier this year (in February) and LOVED it. I was only there for 3 days and I was there on business (sounds so professional) and I was sick. But I've recently found an old friend on Facebook that lives there currently and she has graciously invited me to come and stay with her and her boyfriend. I'm so excited. Have I said that yet? I haven't seen her in a little over 10 years and I'm so excited to hang out and visit some of the places that I missed when I was there last. In what is apparently the coldest time of the year there. Awesome.

Countdown for another trip. Yay! I love traveling!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

It's the hap happiest time of the year

So you know how when it's Christmas time and you go shopping and you buy like 8 things for yourself and 1 actual Christmas gift? No? Oh wait, that's me this season. I think I have an addiction. Seriously. I've gone Christmas shopping like 5 times so far and each time, I come home with at least $100 worth of stuff for me. And I don't even feel guilty. Why? Because I look fabulous in my new big-girl jeans, cute shirts, awesome camel-colored coat that kept me fantastically warm an at outdoor baby shower yesterday, adorable shoes, fantastic new makeup that makes my skin less oily and even-toned, gorgeous rings that hide the fact that I'm don't have a rock on my left hand, and long-sleeved running shirt with moisture wick that kept me warm and dry yesterday on my 10-mile run.

I have also learned all sorts of stuff this year:

My dad and brother are the same person. "What do you want for Christmas?" "Nothing." What?!? I don't care how old I get, I'll never say that. Call me selfish, call me materialistic. I love getting gifts. But, to be fair, I love giving gifts too. So when you say, "nothing," I call bullshit on your ass. Because you're ruining my fun. And for that, you should get over yourself.

I can no longer shop in the Juniors department. At least the Brass Plum of Nordstrom. Why Erin? Because when I dress younger, it makes me look older. So while shopping for myself Christmas presents the other day, I was told I had to try on big-girl jeans. Not like, wow, that's a big girl. No, like, mommy wow! I'm a big girl now! Apparently I'm 30. And my curves are not that of a 16-year old. Is that why I feel like I find myself sucking in my stomach when I'm driving because it's hanging over my ultra-low jeans when I drive? Is that why I always wear an extra long shirt so that my crack doesn't wave to those behind me when I sit or bend over? Ok, let's do this. Give me a pair. So I zip them up and automatically feel weird, but free from sucking it in. They're higher but not 'mom' jeans. I still have about an inch of skin showing below my belly button. And boy were they comfy. And the best part? There are no size zeros!!! I do not feel ginormous while sifting through to the back of the rack! Thank you Erin! Thank you! And to top it off, I get compliments on my new big girl jeans at work the next day. Freedom....

People are awesome. Especially some of those that I used to go to high school with or hung out with back then. I recently rejoined Facebook and I have found so many cool people that I used to hang out with 13 years ago (or longer) that are so freakin funny. I'm already planning a trip back to New York with a friend from back-in-the-day that I lost touch with but found on Facebook. I mean, I like MySpace because I get to do stuff with my page, but honestly, I'm considering dropping that account because I never use it. Facebook is my new BFF. And it tells me things like, "Serena VanderWoodsen is the Gossip Girl character that I'm most like," and "Princess Bride is the 80s movie that describes me most." MySpace doesn't do that shit! Yeah, I think I might break up with MySpace.

Turns out that this Christmas thing isn't so bad after all. I think I might be falling back in love with it.

Monday, December 8, 2008

You know you want to download it.

Ho, ho, ho!
Oh Little Train, my little elf, another great Christmas.
Ah, man, it's boring, it's boring, same thing every year.
So let's have a funky Christmas!

(Something is said here but I can't figure it out.) C'mon c'mon. Uh huh.
Ho ho ho.
Hey where's that beat comin' from?
Check it out.
Hey yo that's my homeboys New Kids On the Block!
Hey, this is pretty funky!

Have a funky funky Christmas. Have a funky funky Christmas.

New Kids On The Block, let's rock! It's Christmas time.
We're gonna celebrate with a rhyme.
Danny D, are you ready? - Ready as I'll ever be
Steady - you know, Joey Joe is ready!
Jordan and Jon? Yeah! Come on, we got a funky, funky Christmas going on.

Have a funky funky Christmas. Have a funky funky Christmas.

Funky Christmas! And a funky New Year! I swear we got ourselves a party here.
Girls on the floor, Northside posse at the door
Should I stop? Nah cool - here's more - of this song, a funky Christmas melody
'Cause Jordan K feels so Christmasy
Throw your hands in the air - now pause - kick the ballistics Santa Claus!

Have a funky funky Christmas. Have a funky funky Christmas.

(Joe in odd English accent)
Sneaking downstairs on Christmas Eve
I saw a sight that you just wouldn't believe:
St. Nick, by the fireplace, dusting off his booty with a frown on his face.
He said hey - I said what - he said you - I said what.
He said you left the fire burning and I burnt my butt
So now I've learned, you've got to turn
The fireplace down so Santa won't get burned.

Have a funky funky Christmas. Have a funky funky Christmas.

Yo MC Santa, you didn't know my boy Donnie could play percussion, did you?
I didn't have a clue.
Yeah, get busy Donnie.

(Donnie solo) Yeah. Uh huh.
Hey check this out Little Train.
Go 'head.
Ho ho ho ho ho. Ho ho ho ho ho. Ho ho ho ho ho. Ho ho ho... Break it down!

Have a funky funky Christmas. Have a funky funky Christmas.

Slipping and sliding through the city streets
I'll be in town getting down to the Christmas beat.
It's Danny D, I'm here, with Christmas cheer
No feeling to end the party of the year.
It's going, I'm showing, fresh rhymes I'm throwing,
It's snowing outside but we ho-ho-hoing.
Santa's on the way, sleigh bells are ringing, swinging, everybody start singing.

Have a funky funky Christmas. Have a funky funky Christmas.

It's Christmas, can you swing this?
Funky, dope jam top on your Christmas LIST, do you dig this?
Boy, there ain't no twist.
Just something you wish for and you almost missed - huh!
Funky Christmas, and a Happy New Year, how could you be booin' it?
With Donnie D's doing it?

Have a funky funky Christmas. Have a funky funky Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho, this is the MC Santa Claus and my elf, Little Train.
Yeah, merry Christmas, merry Christmas, we gonna kick the ballistics of our Christmas wishes.

(Insert Donnie Santa Claus and his elf listing off 'label' people and commenting on them.)

Yo merry merry merry Christmas!
And a funky New Year.
Hey, it's getting cold out here.
Yo man, let's get on them reindeer and let's bust outta here.
Let's get. Let's get. Peace.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Did a bum shower in my sink?

Oh, and P.S. This is what my bathroom sink looked like when I came home today.

I don't know what happened between the time I brushed my teeth at 6:45 this morning and 3:45 when I went pee after I got home. You can't see it, but it's full of water too. No wait, half full of water. Because the other half is underneath the sink soaked into my newly purchased toilet paper and girlie goods.


Anything else?

Die TWC. Die.

I fucking hate Time Warner Cable.

Do they think that no one works? Do they assume that all of their customers are available at the stupid time frames that they have for service? 12-3. 3-6. What the fuck? I work, you dumbasses! I work a half-hour away and cannot get home until 3:30 at the very earliest. And that's pushing it. I literally have to excuse my class, grab my shit, and get in my car.

And why in the hell do they install cable boxes that are as old as dirt? Oh wait, to get my money when they have to come back out to reinstall a newer box. Ugh. I hate you TWC.

So a couple of weeks ago, I wanted to rent a movie on Pay Per View. Awesome. I went through the button-pushing process, hit 'buy,' and wallah! Nothing. Fuck. Try it again. And.... nothing. Son of a ....

I pick up the phone and dial 1-888-TW-CABLE (which, on a side note, is equally awesome because I have a BlackBerry and those little letters are so totally not on my numbers).

Thank goodness the smartest-TWC-associate-ever picks up the line. She proceeds to tell me that I can't get the movie because my cable box is too old. What do you mean 'it's too old??" I just moved in here and got it installed like 3 months ago! Yeah, sometimes we install the older boxes, but I'm not really sure why because we have problems like this frequently. Well, WTF? Can I get a NEW cable box? Yeah, but we have to charge you for someone to come out and install it. But what I'll do is give you the box for free for a year. You must be able to see my thoughts through the phone because you charging me is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of in my life. You are charging me for something that should have been taken care of in the first place.

So anyway, we get the discounts set up, the movie taken off my bill, and an appointment set up.

How's December 3 between 3 and 6 sound? Do you have anything later because I can't be home until 3:30. The latest we have is between 3 and 6. Um, ok, but I CAN"T BE HOME UNTIL 3:30. Ok, well I'll put a note on this order to call before the appointment and that you can't be there until 3:30. Awesome.

Flash to today, December 3 at 5:00. For some reason, I had a feeling they weren't coming so I called.

Yeah, hi, I had an appointment scheduled for today and I was just wondering if it was still in your system? Oh.... yeah.... I have a note here that says they came to a 'yellow house' at 3:25 and no one was there. (Are you fucking kidding me?) First, I don't live in a house. Second - Is your apartment building yellow? Well, yes, I suppose. But this is the thing. I specifically told the person that made the appointment that I wasn't able to be here until 3:30 and she specifically told me that she'd make a note that they should call before coming out and that it HAS to be after 3:30. Well, I understand, but your appointment was scheduled between 3 and 6. Right. I get that. But I work. And your availability does not fit with my availability. And I told the last person that and she assured me that it wouldn't be a problem. I'm sorry about that. (No you're not, you fucking whore.) We can schedule you for another day. Let's see... we have next Wednesday between 3 and 6...? Yeah, no. I work. I.can' Oh, well, that's the only time we have available on weekdays. Really? Because when I got cable installed 3 months ago, my appointment was between 4 and 7. Oh, well, we don't have anything that late. Ok, so for someone that works.... what might your suggestion be for an appointment time? We can do Saturdays. Ok, what are the slots available?

So she schedules me for 2 and a half weeks from today.

If I had an opportunity to switch to another cable company, I would do it in a heartbeat. Literally. I'd give TWC the middle finger and tell them to kiss my college-degreed, I-have-a-career-working ass.

Dear Time Warner Cable,
I hate you.
You should die.

Monday, December 1, 2008

I'm sorry, where?

Today, in class, I saw a small wad of paper fly across the room and hit one of my (hilarious) girls in the collarbone. Before I could say anything to the area that it came from, I hear, "That hit me in my dignity!"

All I could do was laugh. I didn't care who threw it or why at that point. That hit me in my dignity? Seriously, this is what I get at least once a day. They crack me up.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I almost passed out

Holy shit. I finally went. I finally saw them. After being 12-years old and in the fan club. After sleeping on sheets with all 5 of their faces. After not being able to go back then because my family was too poor. I finally got to see them. And holy shit was it worth every minute.

Maybe it was the 3.5 $12 margaritas. Maybe it was the decent seats. Maybe it was the screaming 30-something year old chicks all around me. But I fell in love all over again. Let me share some pictures of this fantastic event.

This chick was part of a 5-grouper that each had a letter of NKOTB on the front of their shirts. The backs of their shirts all said something crafty. This was by-far the best one.

Oh my GOD! The show was starting!!!!


Jordan and his famous wind inducing, shirt opening move. **sigh**

Holy poop! They came into the audience!!

Pyrotechnics and all!!!!

Check out Joey's pose. This pic was frozen on the screen and they all talked shit to him.

Can you guess the song? It was the closer.

Ladies, if you didn't get to go this time around, I feel bad for you. These guys are so much hotter the second time around. I can't even pick just one, because I want them all for different reasons. Forget that they're fathers and husbands (and maybe gay). Ok, don't forget that, but imagine that they're not. I'm so happy they came back to us. I swear to the heavens I'll be a Block Head for life.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I do what I do because I love what I do

I got this email yesterday and thought it was fan-freakin-tastic. So I'm posting it.

Are you sick of high paid teachers?
Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or 10 months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - baby sit!

We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school.

That would be $19.50 a day (7:45to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan -- that equals 6 1/2 hours). Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children.

Now how many do they teach in day...maybe 30? So that's $19.50 x 30= $585.00 a day. However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET'S SEE.... That's $585 X 180= $105,300 per year. (Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries). What about those special education teachers and the ones with Master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour. That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year. Wait a minute -- there's something wrong here!

There sure is! The average teacher's salary (nationwide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days = $277.77/per day/30 students=$9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student --a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!


Friday, November 21, 2008

Dearest Edward,

Hi. You don't know me. But I know you. And I should probably tell you that I'm in love with you. Or, at least the you in my head. Ok, and you on the screen, because you're both so similar. I realize you're a vampire and my scent might possibly cause you to sink your teeth into the soft, sensitive part of my neck, but, like Bella, I don't care. And really, that's one of those spots for me. So I'm willing to risk it.

And sure, you're only 17 in human years.
I don't care if people call me a cougar. Though technically, you're much older in vampire years...107 to be exact. And usually, the thought of being with a Hugh Hefner type of sugar daddy grosses me out, but I'd be willing to break my rule for you. Or the you in my head. Or, quite frankly, the you on the screen (because you're 22). This age thing means nothing to me.

I hope this doesn't freak you out. And feel free to turn me into a vampire. Just try and restrain yourself when biting.

Or maybe don't. Because it could be hot.


Thursday, November 20, 2008

Jack's Mannequin

I just discovered a great band.

I love music. If you know me, I am pretty decent at naming a band or knowing something about a pretty wide range of musical talents. Ever since George Michael and Depeche Mode entered my cassette player back in the day, I've been into a variety of music. I can dance and get excited about lame pop bands. I can also appreciate some highly acclaimed bands from past and present.

So anyway, being a lover and a tryer of new music, I've recently been introduced to a band called Jack's Mannequin. Yeah, I realize that this band has been around for a few years and even before that, the lead singer was also the lead of Something Corporate. But this is the thing. I just found them. And I love them.

I have to say, the lead singer's story kinda got me all love bubble-ish about the band in the first place. Andrew McMahon's story is a little oh-my-gosh worthy. The guy had a repetitive case of laryngitis and went to see his doctor, whereupon his doc told him he wasn't looking well and performed some tests. Turns out Andrew was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Just a few months before his first CD for Jack's Mannequin was supposed to be released. Yeah, I know. Holy shit. He was 22-years old. Thankfully, it was fully treatable. But still.

In doing more research, I found Andrew's blog that totally takes you through the before and after of the diagnosis. You can totally tell he's a songwriter, because his writing is deep and genius. I don't know, maybe I'm just a sucker for all that passionate guy stuff. It makes me remember that they do have feelings and are not just closed off and confusing. (Thanks Andrew.)

So I was told that upon first review, the music was good and worth the purchase....but then after a few songs, you're like, "Whoa, this is the shit." And so I bought Everything In Transit and just put it on in the background as I was reading. I have not been able to listen to anything else since Wednesday. I'm so serious. I bought their second CD, The Glass Passenger, yesterday. It's a bit darker (rightfully so, it's after the diagnosis), but it's still fantastic.

Just in case you're wondering (and I know you totally are), my favorite songs at this moment are "Bruised" and "Dark Blue." I'm sure those will change as I listen to the second CD more, but I'll just throw those out there right now.

Do me a favor and just check 'em out. If you hate 'em, you hate 'em. But at least you considered it for a sec.

Monday, November 17, 2008


Yesssssss... this is what I get to walk out to each and every day until Christmas. Thank you new neighbor family next door. Nothing says the holidays like Mickey and Minnie.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Should I be fearing Chris Hansen?

Oh my gosh everyone. I didn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. But it's so true. It's so very, very true. This Stephanie Meyer chick is the shit. The bomb, yo. She has gotten me interested in *wince* vampires. What in the hell is wrong with me? Isn't this supposed to be a series of books for 15-year old girls? Why am I in love with Edward? Why do I refuse to see even a preview of the movie that comes out on Friday so as not to ruin the (*coughcough* erotic *coughcough*) image of him that I've conjured up in my head? Why did my 28-year old friend tell me that it was ok to have a crush on him and it won't at all seem pedophile-ish? What is wrong with us? We're grown women! I started reading the book this afternoon (well, actually last night, but fell asleep within 20 pages because it was near midnight) and I'm halfway through about 500 pages. Why am I secretly excited to know that school is canceled tomorrow (poor air quality) because it now means I can finish this book? And I don't mean in the morning. I mean tonight. I can stay up and read all.night.long.

I love you Edward.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

The hills of North OC are burning

I went out to run some errands today and realized how close these OC fires are to me. I live in between the Brea and Yorba Linda/Anaheim Hills fire. If I were to be evacuated (which is highly unlikely, I hope) I wouldn't even be able to get to my parents' house because all the fwys and streets and canyons are closed on the way there. I have all my windows closed but I can still smell smoke inside my apartment. I drove to my friend's house to pick up a book and it took me about 45-60 minutes. This is usually a 15 minute drive, at most. People are standing outside, taking pictures. You'd think the world was coming to an end. And maybe it is for some people. I have never seen anything like this. It's an eerie vibe out here.

Present tense

I had an epiphany while watching Lipstick Jungle (I'm so sad it's being canceled). The hot waiter/massage therapist that tried to kiss Victory said something about living in the present. His line was something of this nature: "Live in the present. The past is the past. When you speak, speak in present tense."

It was a small line in the episode, and I've heard it a number of times before. But today it struck me. I need to start doing that. And I need to start doing it now. I don't know how many times I've spoken about something that has happened in the past. I did it when I was with the ex. I'm doing it now because of the ex. I need to stop. The past is the past. I cannot change what has happened or how my life has panned out. I can only use what I have learned and live in the here and now.

I am now going to begin living in the present tense. I am going to make a conscious effort to use language that has to do with the present tense. Especially during these holidays. I am not alone. My dad said that to me the other day and it was a really sweet comment. Just because I don't have a boyfriend, doesn't mean that I am alone. I have a wonderful and loving group of friends and family that are always here for me. Thanks Dad. It's so true and I overlook that too easily.

Sigh... another step in this process.

Monday, November 10, 2008

A few things because I haven't blogged in awhile

  • I signed up for another half marathon. It's on Super Bowl Sunday. It's addicting.
  • My grandma is in the early stages of dimentia and it's depressing to visit her. She's not the same woman I grew up knowing and I don't know how to deal. So I don't talk to her. I feel horrible about it. But it scares me to start a conversation with her only to see how old and slow she's getting. God, I'm so selfish.
  • I went to school with my awesome friend, Erin, today. To UCLA, my all-time favorite school. It pissed me off to sit in class and listen to the stupid 18-year old football players that could give a shit about what the teacher was talking about. It was so rude. I wanted to turn around and tell them that they were being rude. Or I wanted the teacher to kick them out. But she didn't. Did I act like that when I started college? Am I getting old?
  • I bought the new Jason Mraz CD on iTunes and I freakin love it. So good
  • I have my 4th day off tomorrow. Four-day weekends rule.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I am part of history

I have to brag. I voted for the man. And now he is our President. The change is beginning.

Obama '08

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Human Rights

These "Yes on Prop 8" signs are driving me crazy. Especially where I live. If you don't live in California, you may have no idea what in the hell is going on. Read this to find out more. It's black and white to me. Either you're for equal rights for all humans or you're not.

First, even if you fear gays getting married, let me ask you a couple of things: Why? Is it a religious thing? I was on a run the other day and I stopped on the corner of a busy street because there were people on all 4 corners holding up signs for and against this Proposition. I happened to be running by a 'yes-er.' So I stopped and said, "Hi. Can I ask you something? And I don't want to debate. I just want to know, why yes?" And he proceeded to tell me that God intended marriage to be between a man and a woman; 'Adam and Eve' was actually what he used for an example. He said it had nothing to do with the people being homosexual (which, to that, I thought, um... yes it does, it has everything to do with the homosexuality, but didn't say anything). The only thing I spat back at him was, "So you don't think that marriage is a human right?" To which he responded, "No marriage is a Divine right." I thanked him for his time and continued with my run.

I don't understand this for a couple of reasons. Not everyone believes in God (in the Christian sense) and the Bible. So why are you trying to push your beliefs onto people that aren't pickin' up what you're throwin' down? How is that fair? Isn't there supposed to be a separation of church and state in this country? Isn't this why I am not allowed to preach the word of any religion in my classroom? I am only allowed to teach about the history of each religion. So why is this Propostion even on the ballot?

Second, even if you think that gays getting married and homosexuality is wrong, I ask you... how does their marriage or relationship affect you? How does two men or two women being together affect you and your daily existence? You may not like eating broccoli, but does that mean you get to impose an initiative to have broccoli taken off the shelves? I don't get it. What do you do when you don't like something like broccoli? You don't buy it. You don't eat it. You don't order it at a restaurant. If it comes on your plate, you eat everything around it. You probably don't even look away when people are eating it. You stay away from it because you know that eating broccoli is a personal choice between the broccoli and the person ingesting it. And you don't hold signs out in front of grocery stores berating people who eat broccoli, do you? No, because that person's love of broccoli doesn't get in the way of your day-to-day existence. So how is homosexuality any different? How is imposing your beliefs on someone else's lifestyle right?

Third, why has this become about teaching about gay marriages in school? What scumbag brought it into the area teaching children? First of all, check out the California Content Standards. No where in our standards does it say we have to teach about how families are made up (which some of those Right Wingers are apparently saying should consist of a biological mom and dad). Because how would little Johnny, who lives with Mom only (or Grandma and Grandpa, or Aunt and Uncle, or his adoptive parents), feel about himself if his teacher said that a family ONLY consists of a living with a mom that gave birth to you and a dad that contributed his sperm? No. This is why the "traditional family" is not taught in California public schools. So thank you Mr. Superintendant of the California Schools for your commercial against Prop 8.

Personally, I think this is no different that a Civil Rights issue. And it literally disgusts me that people would vote yes. I don't care if you believe that homosexuality is wrong. You are entitled to whatever opinions you have. But imposing your beliefs and opinions onto others when what they are doing has nothing to do with your life or day-to-day existence is disgusting. Your relationship with your God is just that. Yours and yours alone. So stop making this a religious thing. Because, personally, I'm not pickin up what you're throwin down.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I think I just need sleep.


Fuck fuck fuck.

I'm in a doozie of a mood. I'm blogging right now so as not to email the ex. I don't know what my subconscious's problem is lately but I've been having dreams about him for the past few nights. And I wake up in the middle of the night in a foggy haze, trying to convince myself to stay awake for enough time so that I will not fall back asleep into the same dream. Which interrupts my sleep. Which makes me wake up all shitfaced and emotional. Which is causing my days to be far from great. Which is causing my sleep to be horrible. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm sad. I'm sick of thinking about him. I'm sick of missing him. I'm sick of feeling horrible for not responding to the birthday card. I'm sick of wondering what it would be like to talk to him or to have him in my life again. I'm sick of forgetting about why it is I thought he and I are probably better off not together.

Sure, this could be my fucking head testing me. It could be because of all of the shit I'm trying to figure out in therapy. It could be because I totally miss him. It could be because I miss the thought of him, the thought of the security in my life. Who in the fuck knows. But I'm over it. I'm over feeling this. I'm over actually playing out in my head what I might type in an email. Or what he might say back. I'm over even remembering his email address off the top of my head (though it's not a difficult one). I'm over wondering what could have happened if I would have responded to the birthday card.

I can't do this anymore. I fucking need freedom from this. It's bringing me down.... and I realize that in a sick way, I'm letting it. But I'm so tired. I'm so tired of thinking about this and analyzing this and letting it fuck with my head. Why can't I just be the girl that moves on? Why can't I just be the girl that isn't scared of the holidays because she's going to be alone? Why is there that need for me to have someone in my life to make me feel whole? I feel incomplete. I feel like being in love and having someone love me is what will make me complete. Is that sick and sad or just where I am at this point in my life?

I honestly don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to deal with being this person who I apparently have become for whatever reason. I want to change. I want to fix this way of thinking but I don't know how. And no one can tell me how. And that is so fucking difficult to deal with.

Monday, October 27, 2008

But jiggly arms aren't pretty

So I went to the gym on Saturday. And lifted weights. And now I'm in a ridiculous amount of pain.

See, in the past few months, my halfie training has caused me to neglect the usual weight lifting that I had built into my regular gym routine. And before I stopped, I was actually getting to a point where I was liking my arms. They were toned, for once in my life (I was a soccer player), and I was proud to show them off (ask my friends). And then running happened. And the weight lifting went in the shitter.

Well, the other day I went to reach for my phone and my arm fat almost swung around and smacked me in the face. It was hideous. And the same day, my friend grabbed my arm and it was so squishy that she even said, "Whoa." Yeah, thanks, I get the point.

So, feeling all inspired and shit, I went to the gym on Saturday morning to start back on my weight lifting. First, lifting weights as a chick in the gym is always awkward. Guys look at you, which may not necessarily be a bad thing. But it's kinda annoying, especially when you want to use a machine and some meaty douchebag is sweating all over it. Doing 500 pounds and 200 reps (and hot). And then leaving their weights on when they're done. Seriously?? Wipe your sweat and take off your steriod enducing weights. Asshole.

I keep digressing.

I did the workout. Full. Body. Weightlifting. I did every exercise that I knew. I felt great. I was a little bummed that I couldn't lift as much as I used to, but it was still a great workout. And then I went home and went for a run. That was when I knew I did too much. My run was ridiculous. Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the workout, maybe I just wasn't in the mood. But it sucked. So I took a shortcut and headed home.

Later that night, while in a drinking and dancing frenzy at a Halloween party, I started to feel the pain. Creeping in. Meh, it's a good pain. And the alcohol surely supressed it. So I thought nothing of it.

And then I woke up the next morning. I could hardly move. It wasn't pretty. It hasn't been pretty. Even today I can hardly move. I have to literally breathe out when I sit to pee. It hurts to go up and down my steps to get to my apartment. It hurts to lift my leg to cross it. It hurts to get out of my car. It hurts to walk.

I have to go back soon so that this pain doesn't happen again. But I can hardly move. Hopefully it'll go away by tomorrow.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Friday, October 24, 2008

Can someone turn on a light?

I, apparently, am a pretty complicated person. A complicated person who is pretty insecure. And I'm kinda over it. Since I've pretty much come to terms with the damage from the ex in therapy, we've moved onto a more pressing issue. Me. And now I'm back to crying in every session. Awesome.

This all started when I was blindsided by the fact the nothing is ever good enough. I ran a half marathon. Wasn't the full. I traveled solo to Europe. Was with a tour group, so it wasn't really solo. Got my Masters degree. Yeah, so... everyone else in my profession has one. See what I'm doing here? It's pretty pathetic. I know. But it's me. And it's been me for as long as I can remember.

So my therapist tells me that this could always be me. Wait, what? Isn't it your job to try and help me work through this so I'm not that person anymore?? No, apparently this could just be considered a "personality trait" and it's something that may not change. So now what? I jump off a building? I tell him I'm not sure what the next chapter in my life is supposed to be. I can't count on marriage or kids, I've already finished my education.... so now what? And having no plan(s) makes me all itchy. It's the perfectionist in me. I need structure. Plans. A drop down menu with categories and subcategories. And instructions on how to tackle each category. And what I have now is just the opposite. Nothing.

So he gives me a metaphor:
It's like I'm in a dark room and I'm trying to find my way out. But I can't see. So I have to use my other senses. I have to stop looking. In this stage of my life, I don't know where I am. When I'm in a situation where my insecurity is at its worst, all I'm doing is looking around and seeing how I'm not good enough. And what am I supposed to do? Stop looking. Wha? I don't get it. Can I get a therapist-to-English dictionary? What does that mean? How does one go about not looking? And, ok, the metaphor says to use "my other senses." But that doesn't apply in the literal sense here. What are my other senses in this case? What are the other options that I'm supposed to be using?

Needless to say, I'm at a stand-still. I'm just existing right now. That's it. And I hate it. I want to be doing something. Something that, when I finish, I can think it's not good enough. But at least I'd be doing something. At least I wouldn't be in limbo. Because limbo is freakin uncomfortable. And I'm all twitchy and shit.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Not it!

I was tagged by Lindy this morning and thought I would share of few random things about me. Though you may never read my blog again once you know these things.
First, here are the rules:

#1: I sleep with a stuffed animal that I've had since I was 7. He has appropriately been named Krusty, because he was a white rabbit that I got for Easter who is now brownish. My ex hated him but I refuse to sleep without him when I am in my own bed.

#2: I used to suck my thumb. Until I was 8. Yeah, I realize that's old. I had a habit of sucking my thumb and picking the fuzz off my blankets. There would be rolled up fuzz balls on my floor and it would drive my parents crazy. I finally just stopped doing it one day. It was odd, really.

#3: I totally cheated my way through 4th grade. My teacher trusted me and another student to grade and record grades and we changed our grades in the computer. Ok, really though, we were doing fine academically, but we changed the Bs to As. I'm going to hell, I know. And vindication is going to be a bitch, hence the reason why I never let any student touch my gradebook, or grade anything, for that matter.

#4: I check my shower every time I go to the bathroom. Since I've lived alone, every time I sit to pee, I pull back the shower curtain to make sure there isn't a very large, strong man with a knife behind it, waiting to kill me. Because I'll be able to fight him off, sitting on the toilet, with pee streaming out of me. Good idea.

#5: I have favorite students. And they are boys 98% of the time (and no, not favorite as in, I am Mary Kay Letourneau, sickos). I know, I know... I'm not supposed to, but seriously, how am I not supposed to? Some of them are just so freakin funny and adorable. It is very rare to get a girl that has a great sense of humor at 12. They are too into being the teacher's pet.

#6: I am scared out of my mind to get into another relationship. And I don't know if I'll ever have kids, because I feel like this real relationship thing is never gonna happen for me. And the thought of no kids leaves a numb feeling inside of me. Like, nothing. Not saddness or relief. Neither. Does that mean I don't want them?

#7: I won't hold hands with a guy until we're exclusive. I can kiss whoever but I refuse to hold hands with that person. It's too intimate to me. Backwards? Maybe. But it's how I am.

Now I shall pass this on to a few of my homies. Well, three, namely. Because I don't have a lot of blogging buddies:
Erin and Megs and Crystal

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


So..... yeah. I thought my friends and I were the only 12-year olds in 30-something bodies. Apparently not. I am one of those lucky ladies that gets to go and relive my 12 year old fantasy....I am going to the L.A. show on November 26th. You shouldn't hate. Why? Because my parents were strict. And poor. And for those 2 reasons alone, they wouldn't let me go and see the love of my 12-year old life, Jonathan (who is apparently gay). But they did allow me to join the New Kids fan club. And have NKOTB sheets. And buttons of every New Kid. And watch the cartoon. And collect the trading cards. And read the comic books. And buy Tiger Beat and hang the posters all over my room.

But seriously. How can you resist this?

Or this.

Or, hell, what about this?

And seriously, this?

And even this, gay or not. He was my original New Kid love. **sigh**

The moral of my story is that I have not grown up. I'm still that 12-year old girl, screaming the lyrics to Hangin' Tough in my NKOTB poster-covered room, feeling actual pain in my heart for Jonathan. My brother and all the other guys in my life are still talking shit about how lame they are. My parents still roll their eyes when I tell them I bought tickets to their show.

But I don't care.

Because I'll be a Blockhead for the rest of my life (yeah, I said it). So there.

Monday, October 20, 2008


Can you see it? It's the look of pure exhaustion on my face as I'm about to cross the finish line. My feet were killing me, my legs were aching, I was out of breath because at this point I had worked myself up. And Katie next to me? Yeah, she's all smiles. She was one of the mentors that told me she would find me on the course and run with me. She found me at mile 10ish, where my feet were just starting to ache and I was shuffling more than I was running. But I was sticking to my 5:1 intervals (run 5 minutes, walk 1).

I crossed the finish line at 2:44:58. The funny thing is, I wanted 2:45. And I did it. The time before, when I ran the 13 miles to the beach, it took me 3 hours. But that was the morning after 3 beers and a shot of Patron. Bad decision on my part, I realize that now.

So now that my knee is healing and my feet are freshly pedicured, I want to start training again. Why? Because it's now an addiction. And one of my good friends is into it too. She and I have decided that we want to to the Huntington Beach Sun and Surf halfer in February. We're crazy. I won't be doing it through TNT again (the fundraising part). It was a great experience and I'm glad I did it, but I can't raise money. I won't have any friends left if I continue to ask them for money. I've considered being a mentor, which wouldn't have to involve raising money. But I have to wait for them to get in touch with me.

What I like most about this experience is that I used to hate running. I always wanted to be a runner, but I never thought I could. And now I am. I'm still not fond of it in the way that I'm fond of running over a player in soccer, but I like it. And I can do it. I've proved that to myself. So I'm going to continue doing it.

Maybe one day I'll actually try a full marathon. I can't say never, but I can laugh at the thought. At least right now.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Water Jack

Holy hell. One of my BFFs does a "Wordless Wednesday" on her blog and this was her picture today. I can't stop giggling. It's her son. If you knew the crazy kid, you'd fall in love with him immediately. We became buddies when I went to Texas to visit her. He loves me, I can't lie. And really, who can blame him? It's ok, because pictures like this make me love him too.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Dear neighbors...

What in the hell is going on upstairs? I live on the second of three floors and I swear to the god in the sky that the person above me is freakin Bigfoot. I'm not even kidding. I can hear each and every step that he/she/it is taking. When they walk from the kitchen to the slider. When they open the slider. When they walk to the bedroom. When they apparently dance in the bedroom. When they walk on the treadmill. I think it was the treadmill. It could have been sex in the dining room. For a half hour.

The other night I heard steps and yelling. It had to be the heel-walker upstairs because the yelling was matching the movement. I'm not kidding. I did some investigative listening. And I swear it was a mom yelling at her chitlins to stop hiding under the bed. And then I heard chitlin feet. Which, might I add, corn-fuses me a tad because I'm in a one-bedroom. And I would assume the floorplan is the same above me.

What's even better is that someone gets up at around 4am and I hear that too. Every morning. Oh yeah, and don't forget about the closet doors opening and closing. What in the hell?

And TWICE I've thought that the building was coming down because someone dropped something or someone upstairs. This morning it scared the bejeezus out of me. What could possibly make that much noise? Anyone? Perhaps someone was murdered standing up and fell, dead weight to the ground. Maybe they were packing up their shit and dropped a box of pots and pans. (I cross my fingers for the second guess.)

Oh! And the other night the girl next door was cussing out her boyfriend/husband/pimp. It was awesome. I could hear them arguing in the bedroom (I share that wall) and then I heard her yelling at him and telling him to f*@% off. And then a little later he said something about money.

I swear this place is great though. Other than Bigfoot and Crack Whore next door, it's been a pleasant month. It's uber clean and I feel safe. The place next door (the other side) is empty though. The cute, friendly couple with the dog moved out about 2 weeks after I got here. I'll keep my fingers crossed for a hottie, or a divorced mom with a hot, successful, 30ish-year old son. Can I get a prayer?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Gettin ready for the LB this weekend

Guess who'll be running 13 miles for reals in 3 days???

I have mixed emotions about this. I'm excited, nervous, scared, and so proud at how far I've come in my quest of becoming a runner. I'm for sure not running for a specific time, though I would like to finish sometime around 2:45 (2 hours, 45 minutes, not 2:45 pm). I can't wait to cross the finish line. I swear I keep saying I'm going to have the "cry face" in my picture. It'll be the ugliest look ever, that I'll have to stare at for the next however many years that I have it up.

I just finished watching a movie called, "Spirit of Marathon," and it was such an inspiration for me 3 days before my run. It followed 5 people training for the Chicago Marathon, both advanced runners (a guy from Kenya) and first timers. It told about the history of the marathon, which was interesting because I had been to a few of the places in Greece that they showed. Needless to say, I was a ball of tears as I watched all 5 of the people cross the finish line. All I could see and feel was the pure exhaustion, yet adrenaline and emotion that I know a little bit about. Though mine will be half of theirs.

The bad news is, I went for a run around my place yesterday (about 5 miles) and today my knee has been killing me. I've been icing it since I got home from work and I'm hoping the pain goes away before Sunday. I've had sore knees after long runs before and it goes away. But this pain seems more than usual. Maybe I'm just on high alert because I'm just so gosh darn close.

So anyway, I can't believe my 5 months of training is finally going to show. I'm excited and can't wait to take every minute and mile of it in.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

But retirement is so far away....

Well ladies and gentlemen (or no one for that matter), another challenge awaits me.

Back in the ex days, I set up a retirement fund through his family's financial analyst. I completely forgot about that connection until I recently received a letter saying that my retirement provider has chosen to exit the 403(b) market, which means that I have to switch providers. And I have NO idea what the hell any of that stuff means. I didn't back when I set it up, but I trusted that the family's guy knew what he was talking about. And now, I'm not about to get in touch with anyone on that team to help me out. It's not worth it. I know I have to figure it out on my own. Boo.

So I went to my district's benefits' department today to plead for help and the nice lady in charge of the retirement funds helped me through the paperwork. And then she suggested that I set up an appointment with another financial analyst to help me with choosing a new provider. And quite frankly, if I live my entire life without understanding any of the benefits/financial shit that I receive or give part of my paycheck to, I would die a happy woman. I don't understand any of it. And I feel like a total idiot when I have to call on something. Because they all speak a language, and I don't know that language. Just do what you think is best for me and I will trust you. Bad, I know.

So my new challenge is understanding this shit. (Can you hear my excitement?) I went home, called the credit union to set up an appointment with a "retirement specialist" and am going to go in and tell him that we need to start at the pre-school stage of all of this. My appointment is next Friday and by golly, when I leave that man, he will have schooled me in all that needs to be understood about my 403(b) plan.

I don't care if I ask stupid questions. I don't care if he laughs when I tell him that I don't know what "pre-taxed" means. I have to be able to understand this shit because I WILL NOT rely on someone else to do it for me anymore.

Maybe next year, I'll tackle my health insurance information.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Angels are out

I weep.

Can we win in less than 12 innings tonight?

For reals, I had such a fun weekend. Let me count the ways...

First, on Friday night, my two work pals and I went out "watch the Angels game" at BJs. And by "watch the Angels game," I mean, be surprised by our assistant principal and secretary having drinks and gossiping. We reluctantly sat with them and shot the shit for a few hours until they both left and we finally had time the Angels lose. Our night of girl talk hardly happened.

Second, on Saturday morning, I ran a measly 4 miles and had my "send off" for the marathon, which is this Sunday. It got me all excited and sad because that was our last practice. I actually enjoyed waking up at the butt crack of dawn to run. No, I'm serious.

Third, on Saturday afternoon/night, I went to the USC/Oregon game, whereupon I wore Oregon colors to root for my friend's step-brother on the Oregon team. I've decided that wearing the opposing team's colors to any games besides a Dodger's game or Raider's game is way more fun than wearing the home team's colors. So many people talk to you! Sure, some of the comments were really lame (Go back to Eugene! was my favorite), but most of the people are guys and it gives them a chance to say something smart ass, which I always appreciate. We spent the day tailgating (i.e. drinking too many Patron margies and eating too much bean dip, sitting on the grass in front of the LA Memorial Colosseum), and then watched the game, where Oregon got smoked.

Fourth, on Sunday, I went to a new bowling alley/lounge in Anaheim (Ana-Crime, Ana-Slime) where I paid $10.50 for a margie at 10:00am. Holy hell. Oh, and we watched football, which I love. (I hate watching pro football.) Then I went to my grandma's where I quickly said Happy Bday, ate, and left to watch the Angels game at a nearby dive bar. I'm so glad they finally won to keep themselves alive in this sad series with Boston. I'll keep my fingers crossed for another win tonight.

So many sporting events, too much alcohol, and getting no laundry or cleaning done = fun weekend. Maybe less alcohol next time. I'm getting to old for it. It makes me sleepy. And sleepy is boring.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The secret words of Alicia Keys

I just watched today's Oprah and I have a few things to say.

One, I'm not the girl that does everything Oprah tells me. I rarely watch her show, though I recently put her on my series record list because there have been a few interesting topics and guests lately. I think she's a powerful woman and I do appreciate the fact that she empowers people, especially women, to be positive, contributing beings. Her recent guests have included Christina Applegate, who is going through a life-altering experience and still staying positive, and Jenny McCarthy, who has done everything in her power to save her child from a sad disorder. She does good things, that's all there is to it.

Two, she had on the cast of The Secret Life of Bees today. I have to say, I read that book this summer and liked it. And then I heard there was going to be a movie based on the book and I was kind of excited. I always like to see how the director interpreted the author's words and compare it to my own interpretation. And then I heard about the cast and, more specifically, who was playing what part. I was disappointed. I thought the casting was all wrong. Maybe not the women, but the parts. I didn't agree. And then I watched Oprah today and I gotta say, I'm feelin it now. I can't wait until it comes out.

Three, Alicia Keys is the shit. She's talented, beautiful, and totally humble (seemingly). She talked about a recent trip to Egypt that she took and I totally felt her. She mentioned how she got to see the Pyramids and the Red Sea and the Nile river and how it was all so historic and amazing. I felt the same way when I went to Rome and Athens, seeing the Colosseum and the Forum and the Parthenon. And then she said something so powerful to me: If these buildings that are so large and old can withstand time and not be knocked down, so can we. Wow. It struck me as such a powerful statement. I cannot be knocked down. I cannot let myself be knocked down. Nice.

Four, Dakota Fanning is all growed up now. Holy cow!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

You know what really bothers me?

  • When people clean their windshield on the freeway. Seriously? Do you realize that your spray is getting all over my windshield and car? You're an idiot. Please look around. If you are driving at a speed of more than 20 mph, do not hit the lever to spray water. As a matter of fact, wait until you come to a complete stop and then do it. But make sure I'm ahead of you. Dumbass.
  • Guys. In general. I really don't think I need to elaborate on that one, but let's just say that I do not understand them. Just as I didn't understand them when I was 22. Or when I was 5. Great... I'm seeing a pattern.
  • Parents that are oblivious to their child's ways. Or in denial. I got a note from a parent today asking me to modify their child's homework. Their child who is never paying attention. And when I say never, I mean NEVER. He wastes his time in class staring at the wall. Literally. And then I get a note from Dad today that says he spent 2 hours on homework last night. Really? Because I assigned maybe a half hour. At most. And his book report (that was due on Tuesday and assigned FOUR weeks ago) is not done. Still. His dad said his son hasn't finished reading the book. Well, why not? Have you not been signing your son's planner for the last 2 weeks that stated every day that a book report was due on Tuesday, September 30?? And this is my fault, how? And tell me again why I should modify his homework? So you don't have to sign any more homework tickets and let your son do nothing all year again and not deal with the real issue which is that your lack of follow-through has caused him to be this way at 12 years old??? Oh my.... parents. I get a doozie every year.
  • Did I mention guys? Eckgh...

Monday, September 29, 2008

Demons lurking

Last night, being so excited about my new blog facelift, I started looking back at former posts. Namely, from when the ex and I broke up until now. I can't believe how much easier it's gotten. I remember thinking my life was going to end ( specific weekend, I remember crying so hard and literally thinking that there was no way in hell my life would be worth anything without him...I was a mess). And now, I have friends that have gone through/are going through some really crappy times and I can stand back and be like, wow...I remember being there, taking one breath at a time, living one minute at a time.

I was talking to a friend about my insecurity demons that I've been trying to tackle within the last 5 months and it scared me. Scared me that I've since realized all of this about myself and scared me because what if it's still there? This issue seems to rear its ugly head when I'm in a serious relationship so I'm terrified that it will happen again. I'm staying in therapy for that very reason. Because I think all is fine and dandy right now... I'm a solo traveler, I live alone (and love it), I feel like I have my shit together in general. But what happens when I meet someone and fall in love again? What if all the shit comes back? Will I know how to deal? Or will I fall back into my crazy, snowballing-the-issue self again? I know, I'm catastrophizing again. But that's my fear.

And I'm scared about the upcoming holidays. It will be the first in 3 years that I will not have him to celebrate with. I'm going to miss him, I know. But I don't want it to get out of control. I don't want to miss him so much that I have a shitty holiday season. Again, catastrophizing. But it worries me. And I'm sure I'll get through it just like I got through this summer that I was so afraid of. But still. It's there and I needed to voice it.


Sunday, September 28, 2008


Yeah, yeah.... it's different.

One, I was tired of the old layout. I needed something new. Two, I changed the title, because when I first started this thing a year ago, I was in fact wondering if my life was really that interesting. Now, I could really care less about the answer to that question. And plus I feel like I've changed so much in the last 5 months.

I am not that same girl anymore.

See what I did there?

The only thing that sucks is that it automatically removed my widgets from my sidebar. I had to redo my blogroll and am not sure if I still want the other stuff on the side. I'll sleep on it and play with it another day.

Anyway, I don't really care if you like it. The fact of the matter is, I do. So there.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I almost forgot how much I love TV

A few of things to share:
  • I cut my hair. Again. It's short. Like almost-can't-go-into-a-ponytail-but-when-it-does-the-ponytail-doesn't-move-at-all short. Yeah, I've gotten a lot of compliments but I feel like a 12-year old when I look in the mirror.
  • I already have a parent that hates me and thinks I'm picking on her child. Ok, she didn't necessarily say those words but her almost-yelling tone to me on the phone today and the phone call an hour later to my principal to voice her frustration over the fact that "maybe this class isn't working out for my daughter," might have led me to the "hate" direction. I love it. Welcome to "she's a girl in 6th grade" year. Is it bad that it makes me smile? Parents kill me sometimes.
  • I love Rocco DiSpirito. For the record, I loved him before DWTS. I loved him back in The Restaurant days. Ok, sure, he can't really dance (though his second dance kinda turned me on, I'm not gonna lie), but for God's sake, he can cook. And something about that brings me back to my first love. Boy was that sexy. Minus the fact that Rocco's schedule would totally blow, I wanna marry him.
  • It's freakin hot. I mean, sure, I love living in sunny California, especially in the summer. But when I have to look professional in non-breatheable materials and stand outside to direct traffic at 2:30 in the 100 degree weather, it sucks. I want nothing more than to be in a bathing suit, by the pool, reading a book. Not at work. Dear global warming, it's almost October. We get your point, but let up on us a smidge. Thanks. Sincerely, Brandi.
  • Did anyone watch Oprah yesterday where the mom got a horrible infection right after she gave birth and lost both her arms and legs? Holy shit. Talk about a warrior! And thank goodness that Jim Carrey has a sensitive side. I was beginning to think that he was all goofy faces and ADHD.
  • I am so excited to watch last night's episode of Lipstick Jungle. (Wow, I sure am a TV whore now that I have cable and Tivo.) I am in love with Kirby and as soon as my relationship with Rocco goes to shit because he's never home, I am going to marry Robert Buckley. And we're going to have 2 kids and my students will call me Mrs. Buckley. A girl can dream, can't she?

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Saturday, September 20, 2008

I did it I did it I did it!!!!

Holy hell. I did it. I ran 13 miles today. And it was the most difficult thing that I've ever done, physically. For those of you SoCal natives, I ran from the Honda Center to Huntington Beach. Yeah, take that in for a second. That's f-ing far.

We ran along this biking/running trail that just went alongside the water something-or-other that had no water in it. It reminded me of that scene in Grease when Danny races Grease Lightning against Kenickie's shiny, pretty car in that water-something-or-other that has no water in it. I was singing Go Grease Lightning in my head and looking for the chick that's wearing the yellow outfit that uses her scarf to start the race. But I digress...

What's funny is that we've been running this trail the entire time we've been training. Just further north. We always start at the 21.5 mile marker (the miles are marked at every .5 mile) and either run north or south. So, I've gotten as far north as 26.5 and as far south as 15.5. And I've kinda always wondered where mile 0 was. Guess what?

I found it today. Apparently it's at Huntington Beach.

So you can imagine my joy when I got to this and then looked up and saw no one from my team with balloons or water or anything. Yeah, that's because it was about .2 miles after that mile marker. Which, I know, doesn't sound like a whole ton. But when your feet and legs literally feel like they are going to either fall off or give out, it's a freakin far distance. But I made it, don't you worry your pretty little heads. I crossed that finish line with a burst of energy found who knows where and was almost in tears.

But that wasn't my actual race. It was just a practice run (yay for practices). My race is 3 weeks from tomorrow. Note to self: Before the actual race/run (because who are we kidding, I ain't racin no one), do not (I repeat, do not) go to a wedding the night before that is kind enough to have an open bar and drink 3 beers (which is a lot for me) and a shot of tequila. It doesn't help. At all. In fact, it makes you kinda sluggish and feeling like you want to die at about mile 9. And mile 9 is not where the finish line is. It's mile 13.1.

Anyway, I have to take a nap so that I can be all sorts of fun tonight at co-worker's housewarming party where, the awesome girls I work with have decided to dress up in horrific, thrift store-purchased prom dresses. Why? Because that's how we roll over at our school. I love the girls I work with so much.

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Sunday, September 14, 2008

A new phase

Out with it. Here it comes.

Before I left for my trip, my ex stuck his head back into my life. He sent me a card for my birthday. And this is the thing.... I totally appreciated the sincerity of it all. But I couldn't respond because I knew what it would all lead to. I was in a relationship before him that continuously went on and on and on because of sweet, sincere correspondences. A phone call led to lunch, which led to hanging out and trying to convince myself that I could be friends with him, which led to me always getting back with him. So I knew I couldn't respond to the birthday card, even if the intentions were innocent. But I struggle with it. Everyone was telling me to not respond and move on, but part of me wanted to just let him know that I got it, I appreciated it, but I couldn't take the correspondence any further. I felt like a total bitch for not responding. And I'm still not going to. But I feel like this entry is part of me letting it go. I gotta get it out.

So this is the thing.... he mentioned that he hoped that one day we could at least be friendly. But is that even possible? I'm over the 8-year ex and I still don't know if I could be friends with him and he's married now. I just don't know if exes are meant to be friends. And that breaks my heart because he was a huge part of my life and has a huge part of my heart.

And to top it off, his mom texted me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday and I didn't even respond to say thank you. Now I feel like I let 2 people down. I guess if I were on the other end and I didn't get a response, I'd be bitter. So now I feel like I'm living with 2 people being bitter with me. But why do I care??? Why does it bother me so much?

Yesterday, having no cable now for a week, I started to look through pictures in my computer. And I pulled up our old pictures, thinking I was strong enough to handle them. It made my stomach turn into knots. And not because I'm still heartbroken, but because I didn't even feel him anymore. I didn't recognize him (like how I used to, at least) and I didn't feel him. I don't even know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but the feeling made me so sad. And then looking at myself, I didn't even recognize who I was in those pictures. All I could see was this girl that wanted so desperately for the guy next to her to love her; someone who wasn't even comfortable in her own skin, let alone her own relationship of 2 years. That was what was most shocking and disturbing of all to me. I finally had to close the computer and do something else to take my mind off of the sadness.

But shouldn't that make me happy? That I've changed so much for the better? Yeah, I guess. But it also makes me wonder what that relationship would have been like if I was who I am now. Or if he would even like who I am now. And I feel bad for him that he doesn't know who I am now. Because this is the person I've always wanted to be. Someone who doesn't say she can't do something. Someone who believes in herself. Someone who's not afraid of losing her boyfriend. Someone whose self-worth isn't wrapped up in her boyfriend. It wasn't his fault, it was who I was. And I'm not angry at him anymore. I see so clearly what I couldn't see before. All the things that made me angry about the break-up are all clear in my head now.

But I still miss him. I miss his presence in my life. He knew me for 2 years. Granted, he didn't know the real me, but I didn't know the real me back then either. We shared a lot together and it's hard to let go of all of it. I'm working on it, but I don't think I'll ever let go completely. I don't think I should. He's part of my history. He made me who I am today. Literally.

So here's to being in a new phase of this breakup. Five months later. It still hurts and it still sucks, but at least I know I'm learning.

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Saturday, September 13, 2008

Co-dependent on myself

Ok, I think I'm finally settled. I'm not all the way unpacked but I am unpacked enough to sit and feel comfy in my new place. I don't have cable yet, nor do I have the Internet, but I'd like to take this time out to say thank you to my neighbors who do have a signal strong enough for me to pick up on. It has been the source of my entertainment in the last week. So thank you neighbors in H19. I will be less annoyed at your dog when he barks at me from behind your door every time I leave or enter my apartment. trip. Wow. I went with the idea of it being, well, I don't even know if I can put into words what I thought it was going to be like. I have to say, it far surpassed any expectations that I had. And it was so easy. The most difficult part was the drive to the airport. Once I got out and got in line to get checked in, it was cake. No nerves or anything after that. The only time I got a smidge worried was when I landed in Rome and couldn't find where I was supposed to catch my transfer. That was a joke. Dear Contiki, please be more specific when you tell me to "find my shuttle to the hotel." Your directions sucked.

I will briefly try and tell you about the places I went. The first day in Rome I got to check out the Vatican City and Sistene Chapel. Super cool.

The next day in Rome, we went for a guided walking tour of the piazzas and fountains and then took our bus to the Imperial part of Rome, where the Forum and Colosseum are. That was super cool, because I've wanted to see the Colosseum for a long time.

We left for Sorrento, Italy the next morning. Sorrento was beautiful but full of rude Italians. We got harassed by some young Italian guys at the beach, whereupon I kicked one of them to get him away from me. One of the guys in our group got smacked in the face by a passerby on a Vespa, puposely. They didn't like us.

The second day in Sorrento, we took a ferry to Capri where we got to see the Blue Grotto, which was beautiful. The picture to the left shows the entrance into the Blue Grotto. We had to literally lay down flat to get in. After the boat ride, we spent the rest of the afternoon shopping and eating.

We left Sorrento and stopped in Pompeii before getting on the grossest-ever overnight ferry into Greece. Pompeii was so much different than I had imagined. Ok, sure I knew about the sudden eruption and such, but I had no idea that the city was a) so large and b) so Vegas-like. It was like sin city in Roman days. Let's just put it this way, there was a penis carved into the cobblestones on the streets pointing to the brothel. And the brothel had pictures above the doorways into the rooms that depicted the woman's specialty. It was awesome.

After the most disgusting overnight ferry ride ever, we drove into Corfu. I didn't really go into the city in Corfu, though we did take a day-long boat ride around the island. That was close to being one of my favorite days of the trip. So beautiful and serene. I love being in, near, and around water.

The next morning, we drove seven hours into Athens. The first night in Athens, we shopped at the Plaka and it was fabulous. I bought some great stuff there. It was probably where I spent most of my money. The second day in Athens was all about the Acropolis and the Parthenon and all of the historical stuff, which I totally dug. Amazing, that's all I have to say about that.

I must say that I never really felt alone on this trip. Sure, I made friends and hung out with different people from places like Canada, South Africa, the UK, and Australia, but I was ultimately by myself. And I didn't feel alone. Even when I ventured from the group. I had to actually tell myself a couple of times, "You're in Italy," or "You're in Greece." I suppose an African safari would have really tested my strength, but after doing this, I feel like I can do anything and go anywhere. In the end, aren't I the only one I have to depend on anyway?

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