Tuesday, November 27, 2007

"The One"

The one moment (or moments for this matter) that has been the pinnacle of my life was the relationship I had with the ex. I was "that" girl. The girl who took his shit and kept going back to him. The one whose mom hated him for what he was doing to me, and all I could do was make excuses for him...or not tell anyone about it at all. The one who was blind to every bad moment, because I was convinced that he was "the one." Goodness gracious... I was "that" girl. I hate "those" girls. I wanna smack them and tell them to wake up. Who lets a guy treat them like that? Who lets a guy run their life? Well, apparently me.

So I met him when I was 18. I totally brushed off our initial meeting...I wasn't all that impressed. But weirdly enough, he called that very same day and we went out that night. I remember coming home from our first date in a blissful fog. That fog wouldn't go away for 8 years. We were together and then he'd break up with me. No reasoning... One day everything was fantastic, the next, he didn't want to be around me. This attitude toward me eventually led to him finding an excuse to break up with me. Gone, out of my life. Then suddenly, he'd call. And we'd argue and he'd tell me he missed me and the cycle would start all over again. And I let it. Over and over and over and over again.

This lasted about 3 years. Make up, break up, make up, break up.... Until he started doing drugs and drinking heavily. Then the make up, break ups turned into friends with benefits. Right... who does this really work with? There's always ONE person who wants more. Guess who it was in our case? "That" girl. This lasted for about 2 years with various hiatuses on his part. It's funny, he'd say goodbye and I'd work SO incredibly hard to not call him. And I did a great job. I'd "move on" with my life. I'd date other guys.... those were train wrecks. Then, as though he knew I was trying, he'd pop back into my life again. And really at this point, it wasn't his fault. It was all mine. I let him back in knowing what he'd ultimately put me through. But I was CONVINCED that we were supposed to be together. CONVINCED that all relationships go through this give and take; it was all normal in my eyes.

So in the 7th year, he comes back AGAIN and I give him another chance. This time, he wants me to be his girlfriend and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and we were supposed to live happily ever after (again). And the bliss was there for about 4 months, though I was doing most of the work. But these were the sacrifices I was willing to make to be with him because he was "the one." Well, it ended badly, as it always did (I still swear he cheated on me). But something inside of me clicked this time. I was the one who broke up with him. He drove me to it, but I broke up with HIM. Damn, that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But, as always, I tried my damndest to stay strong.

This is when I met Mark and he pulled me out of this horrible downfall. The funny thing is, Mark doesn't even know the extent to which he saved me. But guess who calls out of nowhere just as I'm finally healing? And who'd really blame him... he knew the drill. It ALWAYS worked for him. Boy was he shocked when I told him at the end of the conversation that I had a boyfriend. The next thing I knew, he was calling me a month later telling me he was getting married. It was at that moment when I realized that I had given this guy WAY too much credit. Why it took me this long, I don't know. Maybe I'd finally grown up and grown tired of being his doormat. Maybe it was the sacrifices Mark was making for me that showed me what I was missing. But something clicked in my head and I was done.

He actually has called me since then but I ignored his call. He hasn't called since. It's been 2 years. The longest break we've ever had. Last I heard, he was in fact engaged. I don't know if the marriage actually happened. I hope it did. I hope he found someone that he actually loves like I have. I'm sure I'll see or hear from him sometime in my future. In fact, I'm convinced of it. And when I do, I'll stand up straight and be the sweetest person, happy for his life. What good would it do to be rude? I've let him go. I know we're not supposed to be together. I'm convinced of that now. But that doesn't mean that he still doesn't creep into my thoughts every so often. He had an affect on my life. He taught me that I was not the person I thought I was. He taught me to open my eyes and see everything about someone, not just what I want to see.

My life now with Mark is more than I could have ever expected. I've put him through ALOT of emotional shit that I had to deal with from the ex. And he's stuck by me through it all. He loves me and I never question that. He is the reason that the 8 year veil was lifted from my eyes. I love him in a way I never thought I'd love again. And I NEVER thought that that would happen. Ever.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Brandi-anity

I know I'm opening a can of worms on this one but it's on my mind. I've recently started reading a book called, "Eat, Pray, Love" and it's caused me to take yet another look at my beliefs...or lack of them. It's about a woman that goes on a spiritual journey after a divorce and a bout with depression.

So I'll just get it out of the way.... I don't think I believe in God. Now, before you throw all sorts of judgements my way and say, "I never thought you were one of those," I must interrupt. I am a I-believe-it-when-I-see-it kinda girl. It's as simple as that. I believe that there was a man named Jesus Christ that taught a number of people some ideas about the religion he believed in, but I don't think he's a supernatural being. I saw Passion of the Christ and it really moved me, but I don't know if I really believed he rose after his death or was even born from miraculous conception for that matter. I've been to church (mostly Christian based) and tried so desperately to FEEL what everyone else was feeling, but I don't and never have. One of my BEST friends is a strong believer in the Christian faith and I respect her faith and beliefs, but I don't believe in it.

Does this make me a bad person? I say, no. I think that I am a good person with positive values, but I don't live my life through my religion, hoping that someday it will get me into Heaven. Do I believe in heaven? I don't know. Do I believe in any sort of afterlife? I think I might. I believe that my loved ones that have passed still have spiritual presence in my life, but I don't know if I believe that they sit around on fluffy clouds all day looking down on me. But I guess everyone's interpretation of heaven is different.

Now this is where it gets complicated... I teach 6th grade. Social Studies consists of studying ancient civilizations and their ways of life. The most fascinating religions that we study are Buddhism and Hinduism, at least in my opinion. Buddhism is so simple. People suffer because they want, so stop wanting. I am a long way from becoming a Buddhist monk, but I find living the simplest life possible to be so interesting. I don't even know if I could do it, but I would love to learn more about it. Hinduism, if I remember correctly, is centered around karma. How you live your life will determine where you end up in your next life. Do I believe in reincarnation? I don't know. But I find both religions, in their simplest form, fascinating.

What it all comes down to is that I live my life based on the decisions that I think are good for me and those that I love. Not based on what might get me into a supernatural afterlife. I try and be positive everyday and make others around me enjoy my presence in their lives. If I could wrap all these values into a nice and neat religion, then call me a religious person. But please don't judge me because I'm not, at least not in the I-believe-in-God terms. Actually, if you're going to judge me, let me know. Because I'd rather not have the negative energy in my life.