Friday, September 21, 2007

Unda presha...

Why do I always put too much pressure on making myself a perfect person???? I swear I'm a freak. My parents tell me that when I was younger one of my teachers asked them if I get punished harshly at home when I do something wrong. When they said no and asked why, the teacher said, "Because she cries when she doesn't know the answer to something." Even as an adult, I cry over the lamest things. I remember being in the first semester of my Masters program and getting a 3 out of 5 on a paper and I called my mom and cried. What the...? What grown woman does that? (Though in my defense that is a 60%.)

I had this crazy idea filtered into my head recently to go for my PhD. So, being the "I love knowledge" geek that I am, I decided to begin researching programs in the area. There's a couple of reasons I think I may want to do this.... One, I may want to teach at the university level one day. I'm not bored with the elementary classroom yet but I'm afraid I will be later in my career. So why not do it now? I'm not married, don't have kids, and could afford the time it will take. Two, I've always liked a challenge. I was the kid that got straight A's in elementary and jr. high because I competed for grades with a good friend of mine. Since then (minus high school and the first couple semesters of college) I've always been into challenging myself on a personal level. Whether it be in my classroom, in my own education, or just in exercising... I always love to challenge myself because I usually succeed and success feels so good.

So last night was my info session at Chapman for the PhD in Education. I had high hopes that what they were going to tell me was going to be what would make me fall on whatever side of the fence I was supposed to land on. I got out of the meeting more overwhelmed than I had been since the beginning of this voyage and I wanted to cry (of course). I've decided not to pursue the degree at the moment because it's not something I'm ready to commit myself to for 4 years (that's right, FOUR years). But all I can think about is this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I've disappointed someone. Everyone that I've kept posted about it has been like, I think it's a good decision with valid reasons.... so who is it that I've disappointed? Hmmmm.... maybe.... me? What's my problem? I know it's a good decision, but I'm disappointed in myself because I'm NOT doing it. Eckgh.... again I ask, is there something wrong with me???

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Why am I so into it?

So I was at the gym today, rockin' out to JayZ and Linkin Park and the Foo Fighters and some old school Michael Jackson, holding on to the handlebars as I briskly walked on the Nautilus machine... you know, the one that's the challenge to the treadmill. It looks like a treadmill but the ramp is split down the middle and the ramps go up and down in opposite sync. I've found, through many almost-spills, that I am unable to walk on that thing without holding on. It doesn't really matter how fast I'm going, my feet are unable to walk parallel to each other without me looking at them. And I can't do that because I have to stare at everyone as they come in and leave and get on the machines around me and get off the machines around me and every-so-often read the conversations on the TV and watch the hot trainers go by and wonder how some of the chicks there manage to have the bodies that they have, etc., etc., etc. Needless to say, I don't miss a thing. Am I the only one? I can literally watch people around the place for a half hour as I sweat off a few calories and not even realize the time has gone by.

Mark made me laugh the other day... he, my roommate, and I were out one night and this girl was crying at the table next to us. I couldn't stop watching her. At one point, Mark's head was in the way of solving my mystery and I literally lurched forward to see past him. And he says to my roommate, "I'm not drama. She's not drama. We're not drama together. But she (meaning me) cannot look away from drama."

And it's so true! ALL of my favorite shows are reality shows. I can't live without The Hills. Why? I even find myself watching Rock of Love and The Pickup Artist over and over. Why???? Why am I so involved with other people's drama? Is it because I want to compare my life to theirs to make sure I'm normal? Or do I just like to see people suffer and succeed? Are either demented reasons? Is there something wrong with me?

Monday, September 17, 2007

Sometimes I wonder...

Ok, so here it goes...

I have always wanted to write a book about my life. Not that I think I'm the most interesting person in the world by any means, but I remember being in my late teens/early 20's loving to read books about people's lives. I didn't care if the stories were true or not, I just loved reading about how other people lived and the things they learned about themselves. Looking back now, I realize that I was going through what I like to call my "Realizing I'm Not a Kid Anymore" phase. You know, where you realize, among other important lessons,that your one true hero, your mom, is not always right.

See, this is the thing... I grew up in a wonderful family. My parents were supportive and oftentimes VERY overprotective. I was the girl who had a curfew that was earlier than everyone else's and I always had to call home to check in. And I'm sure, though she'll never admitt it, my mom was the one who called my friends' parents to make sure was where I said I was going to be. And although it was tough being her daughter at times, I really feel like she's made me into the woman that I am now. One who is independent, loving, and real. I love her and she is my one true hero in my life.

But what you need to understand is that I started making decisions about my life that she did not agree with. Mostly having to do with my ex-boyfriend and our on-going, unhealthy relationship. Sure, now that I look back, she was absolutely right the entire time.... but that wasn't something that I wanted to see during that period. But I'll have to say, though those eight years were long and emotional, I learned SO much about myself.

And this is where I wonder.... does every woman go through these things with her mother? Where they grow up, thinking everything she says is perfect and true and right? And then one day realize that she's not the perfect woman you always thought she was? And that your beliefs aren't exactly the same? Then what? Is that what marks the beginning of womanhood? Coming into your own? And does every woman struggle with keeping that part of your mother that you loved so much inside of you and becoming your own, independent woman? Does it ever have a balance?

I recently moved home for 5 months and the one thing that worried me before going home was my relationship with my mother. And what I learned is that I am more independent now than I ever have been in my life. I have her strength and outspoken personality but yet there are things that she does that I do not agree with. Does that make me ungrateful for all that she tried to teach me? Or does that make me the newer generation of what she once was? I can only hope for the latter one.