Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Side swiped

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

I trusted that you valued my friendship enough. I was mistaken. I honestly do not understand why it came to this.

For me, it was never about choosing sides. I would have never asked you to choose. I didn't need you to. I knew how happy it all made you and I was happy for you, whether you wanted to see that or not.

I hope that, with this decision, you find what you're searching for, and that it alleviates whatever strain it was putting on you. It makes me sad that I am no longer a part of helping you find what it was that you were searching for.

I hope when your anger and obvious feelings of betrayal subside, you see that I did try. And even though I know you refuse to see it now, I hope that one day you can see that there were two sides to that story and that I wasn't necessarily the bad guy. 

So yes, if the tables were turned, I am positive that I would have been able to take a step back and realize that maybe everything wasn't how I was seeing it. I would have given my "best friend" more value in what she was trying to tell me.

I would have, at the very least, been able to do that for you.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Hold on to your hats and glasses...

Each day may just feel like a small step, but remember that all these "small" steps add up to a lifetime at some point. Take steps that you believe in.

I stole this off of the Eat, Pray, Love Book status on Facebook today. It spoke to me. I mean, let's be real, anything associated with that book speaks to me. I realize that Elizabeth Gilbert herself (the author of Eat Pray Love) probably isn't the person who updated that status, but I'd like to imagine that she typed out that status for me to see. In fact, I'm not really sure why she didn't just tag me in it.

When I look at my life, I look at it as a group of large events. It's difficult to imagine that those large events are made up of small events that happened over the course of months, days, hours... sometimes even minutes. I forget about those small steps. I forget that at one point, in one moment, I felt like my life was over because a relationship ended. More than once, really. I mean, the real reason I'm back blogging is because I had the urge to reread those small moments of getting through a breakup. Rereading all of it makes me realize how far I've come, who I used to be, and even how emotionally involved I was in all of it. I haven't felt that kind of emotion for someone in over four years.

Take steps you believe in. Those five words are the words that really struck me from today's post.

Maybe this isn't evident, but I tend to over-think things. I know, shocker. But see, I think about the lifetime of the situation (as stated in EG's post to me that she didn't tag me in). I think about the hows and the whys and the whatifs and my brain is swimming in happenings that haven't happened but could happen, and if they happen I want to make sure I'm prepared so that I won't get hurt or make a mistake or end up in a situation that I'm not prepared for because then what...??

Yeah. That was just a peek into my brain at any given moment. In fact, it's a peek into my brain in a current situation that I'm in.

You'd think that after 33+ years (give or take a few years for not really being cognizant of my own thought processes), I'd realize that I can't predict the future and that worrying about it or trying to plan for it is ridiculous and almost impossible. But, no. I still over-think. I wouldn't be who I am if I stopped doing that. (I wonder what kinds of things I would think about if the over-thinking was just removed from my brain. I wonder if a doctor can shut off that part of my brain. I'm getting a visual. But I digress..)

Anyway, I'm over-thinking in this current situation (and I know I shouldn't), but it's not driving me away from it yet (which is what usually happens). The last five words of today's post make it manageable for me to "try" and live in the moment. One moment at a time. I just need to take steps I believe in. Break it down into the hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute, second-by-second context. Make decisions when they're necessary, try not to when they're not. I think I can (try to) do that. I think I will.

This isn't rocket science, I get it.

But welcome to my brain. You might want to think about protective gear before going any further.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

The glass is half... who cares

I believe many people call this optimism vs. pessimism. I personally think that this fits right alongside that cynicism that I spoke of in my last post. It's so sad that with everything that's happened to me in the dating world, automatically thinking the worst is my go-to. In fact, one of my best friends always jokes with me when I tell her about yet another guy I've met by saying something along the lines of, "Am I the one being excited for you about this, or are you going to be this time around?"

Sad, I know.

Most days the dating opportunities are definitely not flooding in. Today, however, was different.

In a matter of an hour, I had received an email from someone, had texted back and forth, and have a dinner date for tomorrow with him. Things don't usually happen that quickly for me, but honestly, I can't be opposed to anything anymore. Within the next couple of hours, a friend was trying to set me up on Facebook with a friend's brother. True story. 

I'll admit, I'm flattered by both opportunities for very different reasons, but the lack of excitement that I get for these occurrences lately is a little disconcerting. 

Is it wrong to not get overly excited about another date? Or should I be thinking about all of the wonderful opportunities that this could lead to?

For my protection, I choose to play it cool.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Dating: 101

Guess who's back.... back again....

Man, I miss blogging. I started this blog many, many years ago to just spew out thoughts. Then it turned into emotional thought spewing through a break-up. Then it turned into boring thought spewing after the dust settled from the break-up. Then I went on hiatus for over a year because I was embarrassed by my boring thought spewing after the dust settled from the break-up. Today, I decided to revisit the emotional thought spewing through a break-up, and was inspired to spew thoughts again.

Are you following all of this?

Basically, I miss writing. And for a long time, I had something to write about. Then I didn't. Or at least, I didn't feel like I had anything worth reading. But honestly, I don't care anymore. I miss me some blogging. So here I am. Again.

(Insert ::pause:: for all 3 of my old readers to cheer. Hi Mom.)

I would like to start out by saying that, yes, I am still single. I'd like to think that having to wait this long to find my partner in life MUST mean that someone fantastic is destined for me. (If you'd like to think otherwise, keep your mouth shut and let me hold onto my hopefulness.)

In case you'd like a little bit of background, I've had two great loves in my life. One lasted 8 and a half years (off and on... you know, a SUPER healthy relationship), and the second lasted about 2 and a half years. The first one taught me about love and the second one taught me about myself. Near the end of the second one, I didn't like who I was in relationships so I sought help in a therapist to change myself. In the year after the break-up from the second one (and a year under the guidance of The Most Amazing Therapist in the World), I discovered a new me. It was really an emotional, eye-opening, mind-altering time period for me. (Feel free to scroll through the '08-'09 posts for proof.)

That last relationship ended four years ago. For someone who spent her 20s either in a relationship or in love, it has been an interesting (and sometimes LONG) four years.

In that time period, I've learned a shit-ton about dating:

I've learned to not get (that) nervous for first dates anymore. I've learned that the ones who look like they're a perfect fit sometimes aren't, no matter how hard or how many times you try. I've learned that guys are sometimes shady and will blatantly go after your friend and then deny the shadiness of the situation when you call them out. I've learned that it takes about 2-3 dates to really decide if you like someone. Sometimes it only takes 2-3 minutes. I've learned that some guys over-think shit more than I do. I've learned just how important in-person chemistry is.

In general, I've learned to let go of expectations when it comes to the opposite sex. Some call it a smart move... I just call it cynicism. Sometimes that cynicism helps me brush off another failed attempt (or what I like to call "another one bites the dust"), and sometimes I feel like it might get in the way of this process. Either way, I've noticed myself becoming less and less emotionally involved.

You might be thinking, "She just basically said she's emotionally unavailable." I don't think that I am. I think when the right person comes along, my heart will open again. But if I'm going to have to be in the ugly war-zone of dating in my 30s, I have to be a little emotionally unattached to do so.

I'm not sure what direction this blog will now take. I'm sure it'll be mostly be my rantings (and hopefully some ravings) about being single. I might throw in some random banter about my thoughts on life from time-to-time. But only if you're lucky. At this point, anything's game.

I do know, however, that it feels good to be pecking at this keyboard again in a blog format. Awwwww yeeeeeeahhhh...

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Hello, goodbye, hello, goodbye....

I randomly have like 10 new followers. Weird.

I should probably let y'all know that I don't know if I'm going to update this blog much more. It was for a period in my life where I needed this outlet to spew out foolishness about boys. I'm over that now. At least for the time being. So I won't stomp all over your hearts anymore....each time you check me out and I haven't posted. I know, you're all heartbroken.

In case you're curious and you'd like to follow my new blog, click here and watch me enjoy life daily throughout 2011.

Thanks for reading about my shit though...